Last night.
Trepidation set in. I got so wrapped up in my negative emotions that I could not move. I had some sort of psychosomatic paralysis. It was scary as hell. I was attempting to get myself out of the hole I dug. I had no one to blame for the way I felt yet I hated knowing I was alone (W fell asleep. I thought about waking Paul but I hate to bother him…).
(side note: I know that I feel the way I do because it was pointed out – true or not – that I was not as attractive as someone else. I keep rolling that around in my head and when the wedding dress nonsense started yesterday all I could think was, “He would tell her she would look good in those dresses that the skinny girls are wearing”.
At some point, I decided I did not care what he thought any more. I do not trust his judgment. He thought it was a good idea to lie to me just to hurt me. So how am I supposed to know that he is telling the truth now?)
After about half an hour, I could move again. I sat on my bedroom floor and wept. It was a downswing of a magnitude unknown to me previously.
Sleep was elusive after that.
My other half? He has pretty much ignored me today.
I want to talk to someone about this but I know how it sounds – “my boyfriend told me I was not as sexy as some girl he used to talk to. Now I cannot even pick out a dress to wear because I feel like he wishes it was for her instead”.
If my friend brought this to me, I would tell her to put her chin up, she is gorgeous. Fuck her stupid boyfriend. If he wants someone else, he should be with someone else. She is worth being with someone that covets her – even if he thought someone else he has fucked was better looking than her, HE SHOULD NEVER TELL HER THAT. That is shit someone does to wound and deflate.
If she brought this to me on more than one occasion, I would tell her to kick his ass to the curb.
#truestory
