14

You are on trial—not for your actions, but for your impact.
Imagine the person you have hurt most is standing before a jury of strangers and explaining what your behaviour cost them.
Write their closing statement.
Not what you think they should say, but what they would say.
Be honest. Make it as raw and specific as possible. Let it sting.

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Honourable ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

In this trial, we have been told in detail about the misdeeds and the hurt inflicted by the accused. We have been told from witnesses and me, the injured part, about what he has done. But now you will be told about what those things caused in my life, because it is one thing to hear what about actions, but there’s a whole different thing to see the and understand the damage and ramifications of the things done.

One act of neglect is perhaps not very severe, but in the context of it all, it is like the first pebble that in turns loses a whole mountainside to crash down.

One of these neglects led to me almost dying. That is perhaps bad enough in itself, but it did in fact cause a death. The life of our unborn child was taken from me by him simply ignoring me and my phone calls. By not picking me up at the train station – after agreed upon seeing me – and leaving me alone in the ice cold January night he let me get attacked by unknown men. The beating led to the death of the life I was carrying. It also led to such damages to me that I will never be able to carry a child to term again. He took, in his neglect, away my safety, an unborn life and my womanhood in addition to the physical harm I suffered from the beating. The trauma also gave ptsd and walking alone in darkness is now torment. In a place like Norway, with half the year dark, this is robbing me of so much of my freedom as well.

And freedom is something his actions have taken from me time and time again. He did not interfere when I was being stalked by the woman he had a relationship in. She relentlessly harassed me and led to me isolating myself. I lost work, friends, money and time. Not time for myself alone, but also time with my family and my children. The removal of freedom and safety led to me not being there for my own children. I missed years of their life. Crucial years in their development where they were deprived of their mother, and their mother deprived of being there for them and to be there for them. He stole memories to be made from me and took away things that no money can buy back.

And during this time he defended her. Her laid himself down on barbed wire for her, kept me away from confronting her, and told her lies about me. The words he used about me shocked you all. The blunt racism, misogyny, mockery of my body and mind. He told these things repeatedly to her, but to others as well. He made sure to alienate me and make me out as this horrible villain. The words he used gained traction in his partner, and the words grew in power. They became a weapon against me making me ashamed of myself, my heritage, my body, mind and soul. Things about me that I was born as was made into this hideous slime creature that only deserved hate and pain. And he made sure as many as possible knew this.

When confronted he lied, made excuses, denied and made everything out to be my own fault and even put the blame on the person he had decided to be with. Everything to avoid taking responsibility and face consequences of what he had done. Arguments beyond arguments was the result. Again he deprived me my own experiences and feelings. This way the entire fabric of my reality continued to crumble. He took so much of my time in his desperate attempt at get away with the things he had done.

As I mention time, let me also explain the hours of sleep he took from me. Not only by endless argument well into the night, but also in leaving me alone, afraid and uncertain of my own reality. Leaving me to spend countless hours to figure out of unanswered questions, hidden riddles, to figure out of his lies. To figure out what in my world was real or not.
In summary, he took away my entire life. I had nothing left, and I wanted to be taken out of my own existence. To be no more. To doubt no more and to be afraid no more. But even then he refused to listen. Even then, with mockery and cruel words, he refused me my own will and guilted me into keep staying close to him. He took away everything that made me into a human being. And still the scars – nay – the wounds are being held open and reinfected time and time again. Refusing me to heal or to get better and to move on with my life. For many years now my life has been standing still. I have either waited terrified for the next person to attack me, or I have been waiting for him to fulfil his promises to me. Countless times he has promised me things. And about just as many times those promises have turned out to be hollow words. Robbing me of my own time, my life, hope, my beliefs and faith in myself and others. He took away my faith in love. The most wonderful thing on this planet.

His deeds and misdoings are in themselves horrible. But a small wound created doesn’t always look like much. But he made so many wounds, big and small, and he rubbed dirt all over them and let them get infected and fester until it all was gangrenous and rotten. He made me feel like every part of my existence was a black, oozing wound. And he did nothing to help me with the pain, to clean them or allow them to heal. Instead he gave me more weight to carry for him. He gave me his own pain and misery. He even gave me the pain and misery he had created for others and left it all to me to clean up, as to add insult to injury.

As time went by the toil took more and more out of me. Illness and pain grew worse and I had strokes, my body started to shut down and give additional issues. Everything as a result of the avalanche he started almost immediately after we met. An avalanche that will continue beyond the life of me. Its consequences stretches now over several generations. How much damage his avalanche truly has caused will probably never be fully known. It is so vast. It touches so many people and in so many ways. How will this affect my kids? The relationship they make themselves? They have been terrified. They have watched their mother crumble, witter, decay. They have heard her cry, seen her lying in bed deathly ill or bruised and hurt.
And he is still claiming this hurt and the sorrow he has caused as his. In his head he is the victim. Misunderstood and made out to be something he is not. He is the tormented, not the tormenter. And he is showing minimal – if any – sign of regret, comprehension of his actions, willingness to change or to make any amends. When he promises, time and time again, that he is trying to do these things, he turns around and somehow manages to ramp up his behaviour and cause more pain. New pain is inflicted in addition to keeping my old wounds open, infected and bleeding.

He may be a small, cruel human trapped it a giants hide. Yet, he has been hurt in his upbringing. He didn’t receive the care and attention he needed growing up. He has scars and still open wounds himself. But this does not give him the excuse to demolish other people.

He is dangerous beyond measure.

He is vicious. He is a master manipulator with his gaslight as one of his most dangerous tools, his lying is unprecedented and if you don’t know him you wouldn’t catch his lies and deception. And I believe that he still is this person and will continue his behaviour if let loose upon the world.

I have taken it upon me to safely “keep” him. He is living in my house, and there I am able to at least contain his ability to inflict more pain upon others. I deem this the best possible way for me to shield any more people from harm. Maybe will I get through to him, and he will come out on the other side as a better person. Maybe.

I can’t with a good conscience let him go away. I know this person – this monster – and to let him stay in my life is a choice I deem as a prudent necessity. He will continue to make things difficult and dangerous for me, but he would have still done so had he been gone from my view. It would torment me endlessly to know I had let him out on the world and so I am keeping my enemy as close as I deem safe. To keep me, my family and all the other people – women in particular – as safe as possible.

Thank you.