You have just written a guide to care for a version of yourself that did not get what they needed.
Now, think of someone else in your life—someone who was also missing support, understanding, or protection.
Write them a version of that guide.
• What would you have done for them if you had been the one to care for them properly?
• What would you never let them believe about themselves?
• What truths would you have made sure they knew?
Then ask yourself this:
In your connection with them—past or present—where did you fall short of that?
Where did you not show up in the way you now know you could have?
This is not a space for apologies.
This is a space for honesty.
〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
I have hurt people. I have lied and neglected. Deceived and hid myself and them from others. I have taken for granted and I have ignored. I have done all the things that were done to me, but somehow I turned into an amplifier and what I did got revved up so much compared to what I had experienced.
I will write about you here. You are, without a doubt, the person I have hurt the most in my life.
I didn’t just not give you things, but I took things away from you. Some things you gave willingly out of love and kindness, but in my greed, I didn’t stop with the finger given. I took the entire arm, shoulder, chest and the rest of you.
If I were to write a manual about how to treat you, I would start in the same vicinity as in the other manual.
“Communication”. Sit down and talk to you. Ask questions about what you are feeling and experiencing. Ask how you are feeling and why. Take the time and make a proper effort in listening to your words, see how you act when you speak them and ask questions about things you say. There are so many amazing things about you, and I never bothered to ask about anything.
In “communication” lies also a part of not talking. It’s about being present and letting you know that I am here for you. That I am safe for you to talk about your feelings with. Talk about what you’re feeling, because you feel safe, not because you have been hurt, and you want me to stop.
And safety is perhaps the second point in the manual. Help create a safe space for you. Help you to keep your boundaries intact and respected. Defend yourself if needed, or even if you don’t know that it is needed. Don’t make excuses for others’ behaviour, but tell them they are hurting you or doing wrong against you. I am not necessarily talking about being the big and strong knight in shining armour. I am talking about showing compassion and holding your hand when you are hurt or weary.
And when you are weary, offer help. Make dinner, clean dishes, take you out to see the beach and the birds or whatever you would like. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture with a long weekend in a big city with Michelin food and 5-star hotels. Small things are just as important. It’s the thought and the consistency in it that is the point. To show that you’re seen and heard.
That you have my attention.
Attention is another important aspect. It shows that I am interested in you. That you matter to me and that I care about you. I want to give you my attention because I want to. Not because you ask for it or because you have to. It is a genuine interest.
Transparency and honesty are something you put very high, and so that is my next point on the list. Be honest about everything. Be open, share, and embarrass yourself with the truth. Show that you are trusted and that I dare to be vulnerable around you.
And allow you to be vulnerable towards me as well. (I suppose that is a part of the safety mentioned earlier, but I think many of these things interlock with each other.)
You feel much. Much more than any others I have known, and this must be taken into consideration and protected. To allow you to feel and to experience the surrounding things is, as I see it, crucial. You absorb so much through your senses, and being extra sensitive, and considering your euthanasia as well, making sure you are free and able to feel and experience as you want should be prioritised and respected.
As an addition to the safety and protection, there is an aspect of protecting people from themselves as well. Express worries if things are looking less than ideal. It can be a small thing like “slow down and think before a decision”, who you listen to or what words are said to you that you choose to listen to. All of us are susceptible to taking criticism to heart and making it a part of us. Make us change into something we are not, or should not have to be. Confirm good and kind words, and put an effort in showing that the harmful words are not true. “You are not this or that, no matter what John/Jane says”. Show proofs against the statements if necessary. Or make the statements seem ridiculous or worthless.
Show you in every way that you are capable, good, beautiful, funny, smart or whatever is being said against you.
Another part is to show you that you are good enough the way you are. It is okay to have faults or not to know how to do certain things. It is okay not to be perfect or to have knowledge about everything. We all have to lean on others at times. I want you to know that you can lean on me, and I want you to know that I want to lean on you at times because of the things you know and the abilities you have. You are a marvel of a toolbox, and everyone who is allowed to be given help from you should feel honoured and thankful.
To have inabilities or less of an attribute is always okay. You have many strong qualities, and you should never be told that what you are and what you possess isn’t good enough.
There are so many more things I would like to have written in this manual.
Intimacy, joy and fun, respect, differences, and so many other things should be included in it.
I failed in doing all of these things, and more. I didn’t listen, I didn’t give her the safe space she needed or the respect she deserved. I didn’t protect her from harm, but caused it and made sure it was perpetuated. I, in fact, put her in harm’s way.
I abandoned her, kept her away from what she needed, and refused to give her the basic attention she asked for. I lied and deceived and hid so much from her. Nothing I did was transparent or honest. I did the opposite of every single thing stated above. I wasn’t good or decent. I was selfish and cruel. I took from her, and the things I did give her were poisonous words and behaviour.
And I am still doing many of these things.
(PS. Just because a manual may look extensive or long doesn’t mean that it is. It’s not that you are complicated or hard to do for or that you are hard to care for. We all have long manuals – some longer than others, but to follow a manual like this and give you these things isn’t hard. It is basic, decent and good human behaviour.)
