I’m so sorry. I am aware of the ugliness. I have realised more and more what I did and how I did things wrong. And that I just couldn’t ease up the stupid fucking track I was so stuck in..
I know. I just wasn’t able to shake out of the haze I had dived into..I am so incredibly sorry about all of this. I don’t have words to tell you just how sorry I am about it all…
I didn’t see anyone and none of what said in those texts are true or said by me!
I’m sorry I made that whole fucking mess. 
I wasn’t doing anything of the sort at least. I am sorry you got those messages sent to you. I have no idea how they got sent or by who. All I know is that nothing of it was true and that I didn’t send them…
I don’t do that anymore. I have no desire to hide anything. My point is that I didn’t send those texts. And I wasn’t seeing anybody else. I don’t have any desire to see or to be with anyone but you…
I am aware I was rude.
But those texts in question are of a very different character. I wouldn’t say those things. They were not true. And why would I deny it right afterwards?
But that didn’t have anything to do with what I actually felt for you. I was panicked about what I felt and terrified of getting hurt or rejected and I ended up being an absolute asshole. 
I was an idiot and I said things I didn’t mean and should never have said. 
Because that was what I knew and was used to. It didn’t make you less attractive. It just made me more insecure in myself. And I was stupid and took it out on you instead of using my words and saying how I felt properly. 
And yes. I had never gone back on feeling before.. sometimes things changes. And I do have so many feelings for you. And they are so strong and so big and so good…
Sorry. That wasn’t the meaning. I am aware of that I went after different people. I never thought about the fact that they were all white though. 
That was not what I wanted. I didn’t know how to express myself. I had created such a mess and I didn’t know how to deal with anything. And the stress with the house on top of that just made everything so much worse…
So much of the things said didn’t come out right. It should never have been said in text. Text is a horrible medium to converse in. Especially with my ability to butcher what I mean and want to say.
But I am sorry about the things I told you in text and what I have said to others. It was not how I honestly felt and I acted like a child without any social antennas or common sense. 
And sometimes I try to hard to use bigger words because I have felt embarrassed about not having better words to use and it all collapses. 
I’m not saying this is the case about everything. I am saying it has been the case at times. Like “absolutist”. It was not at all the word or meaning of what I was looking for. I think I tried to put it a “ “, but I could have forgotten to do so. 
I was lazy and thought I knew better than I did. I was wrong in pretty much everything I wrote on that list. And even the things meant as positive or good turned out bad. 
I am sorry for not putting more work into so much. I thought it was enough, and when it wasn’t I got defensive and the entire point got missed and I just ended up making a whole new and bigger mess out of everything. 
Because every time I was confronted by someone I panicked. I didn’t know how to react and I ended up trying to brush things off or something similar. It was so stupid. 
I was so insecure. I can’t explain how messed up my head was about everything. 
But I never thought of you like that. I am sorry horribly sorry that it came out like that. I never wanted it to be so. I lost “control” so quickly and I had no clue on how to get a hold of it again. I had created a mess I didn’t have a clue about and… I fucked up more than I believed. And it just got worse and worse because I never found the way to just cut through all the bullshit. Even when told how to I just couldn’t get it done. 
No, I see that I did and how I did it. I understand all that now. But it was never because I felt that way about you. The problem was what I felt about myself. And instead of doing the work on myself I dragged you down instead. 
But I know what I felt. I know how and why I did the things I did! And I see the chaos and horrors it caused. I’m not indifferent to any of it or trying to brush it away as something that “wasn’t like that” or anything. I understand and I am genuinely sorry about everything I did, how I handled everything, how I lied and betrayed and hid and….
But you can! I am doing the opposite of the things I used to do. I am not that person anymore…
I’m just trying to tell you and to show you that I am not the same person. I will never do the things I did to you ever again. 
I just know that my head works differently and I think differently and I feel differently. Everything is different.
I don’t do the same things anymore. And I have a very different understanding of the things I did and the ways I acted and how I hurt you..
None of those things would ever occur again. I would not abuse you, I would not hurt you, I would not lie, I would communicate openly and honestly and both see and listen to you…
And I am now able to control myself. I am not driven by the same things I once was. I don’t want the things I once believed I wanted or was “supposed” to have.
I know myself better and I am growing more and more for each day..
Even though I don’t believe differently, I know differently and I think about everything differently. I understand differently and more.
I also think differently now and act differently. I have really changed a lot within me. I’m not saying I am all done changing and working on myself etc! But there are many things that’s different….