8

Truthfully?

I ran into her at the grocery store. It was a proper meet of chance since neither of use usually uses this store. I had passed by it and remembered I needed a couple of things for dinner and she had walked past it and found herself peckish and headed in. The last time we had met was not a very nice day. We had broken up after a long fight and I had said things that was hurtful and I had stormed out of her apartment. We never spoke to each other again and we both eventually went on with our lives. She had found an accountant and was about to get married and I was about to tell her how things were fine and I was living my life, as one says when things aren’t really great or you don’t have really much going for you.
But what came out of my mouth was something different all together.

“Oh, I’m horribly depressed and have realised I have wasted most of my adult life on partying and using alcohol, drugs and people to avoid my own feeling of self loathing and don’t see any shiny bright future for myself. Not that I believe that the future will be very long seeing how I have lived my life and destroyed my body and mind.”
She stood there almost as shocked as me. I felt a weird combination of blood draining from my face and flushing red hot at the same time. I stuttered and tried to laugh it away as a joke but continued with “And on top of that I have continued the same blame game as I did with you. Refusing to take responsibility for my own actions and blaming others and resented others for their abilities, what they have and their happiness. I was fully in the wrong when the things we argued about happened, and I actually never really liked being in a relationship with you and was always looking for a reason to leave. But seeing as I was a coward I needed for you to be the reason that I could leave and I was relieved and almost glad to have found something to blame you for – though I was the one in the wrong – when I left that day.”

Now the colour had properly drained from my face. Her face, however, was quite colourful and showed signs of uncontrollable rage.

I dropped my basket and said I had to go. I planned to give an excuse about forgetting to pay for the street parking or something along those lines but instead blurted out “I’m gonna go now. I don’t want to hear what you have to say – or most likely will do to me – in response and it terrifies me how your rage is building up and you are standing like you’re ready to take my head clean off with a gently placed round house kick.”

I stared at her for a split second and then I ran. And I was dodging kiwis and bananas as I ran through the store.

A few weeks later I was back in my old home town. There was a birthday to a member of my family, and I looked more or less forward to it as one does when the whole family is meeting up. A lot of food, loud conversations and so many people.
I stopped by the mall to pick up a present and I ran into one of my exes.

We had been together for years and had a life together before I had, yet again, ruined things.

It was a bit awkward as neither of us really wanted to talk to each other, but we smiled politely and greeted each other as one does. I asked her about things and was about to stop talking and wait for her reply when I blurted out “you really don’t have to reply. I don’t really care. I didn’t trust you back then and I don’t trust you now and I really don’t have any need to hear what you hear to say and I would rather just pretend we didn’t run into each other just now and carry on with our errands and our day.”
What was going on? Why would I say these things? It was, of course, something I felt and meant. It was true and perfectly honest, but these things you keep hid behind the mask of civility and social norms. I wasn’t able to move before she slapped me and walked away. And I didn’t blame her. Some truths are better unsaid. Even if she had known it.

I started to panic. This was the second time I had blurted out the absolute and horrible truth to someone I had dated. What was going on?

I stayed in my home town for a couple of days as it was summer and I could help sort through some stuff from my childhood and decide what was to be kept or thrown out.

I ran a couple of errands and met some people I haven’t seen for a while. Among them was this old shop owner. I had repeatedly shop lifted from his store when I was at middle school. Alcohol, tobacco, candy, magazines and stuff I didn’t need. I guess I had done it for the thrill and out of boredom.

As I paid for my groceries I blurted it all out to him. All the times and the things I could remember I had stolen from him.
I didn’t know what to do. Again I stood there perplexed. So did he. He also looked sad.

“So… Uhm… would you like to pay me for it now then perhaps?” he asked me.

I said that I would be happy to! I asked him to just think of a number and I would pay it without argument.

He tapped his screen and a sum appeared under the line of “various item”. It was probably a lot less than I had stolen for, and I asked him to add some more. “For rent and such and since it’s probably way lower than the value of the things I stole,” I said. He looked surprised, but thanked me for my honesty and added another thousand to the sum. “As if I had any other choice than to be honest,” I muttered low enough for him not to hear properly.

He thanked me for my honesty again and I said “you’re welcome. I’m just happy you didn’t call the police as this sum was high enough to be regarded as a serious offence. Though it was probably too long ago and that it would’ve been too old to be made into a proper case.”

I closed my eyes hard and just left the store as I said “shut up shut up shut up” to myself under my breath.

The same thing happened the next day. I ran into an old teacher of mine and went over to him and told him I was one of the boys that had written things about him and one of the assistants in the bathroom stalls, made anonymous calls and set fire to his mail box and let the air out of his tyres and such. I also let him know who other had been apart of the plot and that we did it because we didn’t like him much because he was strict with us and made up repeat lines and we thought it to be stupid and boring.

I ran away in horror and as I was trying to think what was going on I received a text from a hidden number. “Hope you enjoy your days. You have been cursed to always tell the truth to everyone you have hurt. It can be to admit things you have done, what you are thinking at the moment or what you are thinking about doing. But it will always be the truth. Raw, unpleasant and very honest. The curse will only be lifted when you change your life, have made amends and never hurt anyone again. Should you manage to lift the curse, the curse will reactivate as soon as you hurt anyone again. And if it comes back, it does so with a vengeance and it will never go away again. You will end up alone, bitter and scared of talking or interacting with anyone ever again. This is a good prepared curse and I have spent much time and resources getting it working. You can’t get out of it unless the things above has been completed.

Have a nice day😊”.

No sender or any hint of who this could be or anything. All I knew was the information given and I read and reread it several times. I closed my eyes and realised what I had to do.

I made a list of the people I had hurt. Even people I wasn’t sure I have hurt had been written up and I tried to think of the things I had done to hurt them, even if it had been unintentional.

I spent the rest of the summer making this list, calling people, talk to them, explain what I had done, why I had done things and I asked how I could make it up for them. Some of the people just told me they forgave me and appreciated the honesty and they were glad I had reached out and been so brutally honest about what I had done and why.

Some needed help with a few things or wanted me to meet them and sign a piece of paper where I wholeheartedly apologised and promised not to do it ever again.

After I had completed my list I didn’t feel any different. It had taken a lot out of me to do all of it. It had been tears, some spat at me, some cursed the day I was born. But in the end I had gotten through to them all and made things better, if not all well again. Some things just can’t be fixed.

I still don’t know if I have completed my mission and if the curse has been lifted or not. All I know is that I never intend to provoke it and figure out what will happen if it should return. I am living life as an honest person, not doing anything bad towards anyone and I have yet to spill out my deepest and darkest truths to anyone again.