List every persona you have worn to survive—“the funny guy,” “the tragic artist,” “the wild one,” “the misunderstood soul.”
Now cross off the ones you have used to excuse harm.
Who are you without the masks?
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My masks or “personas” have been many and frequently used through the years. I am not 100% sure as of why I started to wear and use them and when, but I know they have been me for nearly as long as I can remember.
The reasons to develop and use them is probably as many as the masks/personas themselves.
Regretfully, some of these personas has caused great harm towards others. Many people that has been my friends, lovers or in my life through various reasons. I have used these personas as excuses for my actions and thus not taken the responsibility for my actions or inactions.
I will list here the personas that I think of, and I will cross off the ones used to create harm, and take a look at the person that I am behind these personas and masks that I have used to camouflage myself in.
* The jester/clown❌
* The Rockstar❌
* The tragic artist❌
* The musician❌
* The drunk❌
* The party person ❌
* The handyman/caretaker ❌
* The player❌
* The misunderstood soul❌
* The outdoors person
* The mentally ill person❌
* The physically ill person ❌
* The carefree one❌
* The smart one❌
* The gamer❌
* The addict❌
* The emotionless one❌
* The caregiver❌
* The historian❌
* The fighter❌
* The lover❌
* The coward❌
* The silent/avoidant one❌
* The victim❌
* The juvenile ❌
* The deceiver❌
* The kind one❌
Of course, as with so many things in life, several of these masks and personas overlap and have at times shown more or less of their features in various situations. Also even though many of these have caused harm, I don’t think any of them were actually created with the intent to cause harm. Even the ones that were purely for kindness has caused harm to someone – including to myself – at times. It could be thoughtlessness or ignorance or carelessness. But they caused harm nevertheless and I can’t take that away. There is no excuse for causing harm, and I have used these masks and personas to create excuses for myself in the attempt to come off as a better person than I have been or to avoid facing the consequences of my actions.
As I look at this list, I realise that every single one of my masks and personas have hurt someone. By being kind, I might have prioritised one person over another and thus caused more harm than good.
And by being deceitful towards one person, I have given something good in return to another. I am not sure how to really separate the good from the bad here, or how to see how one mask is good or one is bad when they can go in both directions.
But the honest answer to who I am without these masks is: I am not sure.
I have lived my life so much behind some sort of cover and trying to find excuses or to blame others for my actions, that I am now at a place where I perhaps would call myself partly lost or in an identity crisis.
I know what and who I want to be, and I guess I just have to be honest and open to myself and to other about what I’m thinking, feeling, wishing for, what I want in life and where I want to end up for it all to work out properly.
I don’t want to hurt people and I am so sorry for having caused the pain I have.
I suppose all of these masks contains parts of me that is a part of my personality, but the traits have been amplified, or in other ways manipulated, to fit some circumstance or another.
What I am trying to figure out and to do now is to pick through those things. See what is an actual part of me, remove the things that I don’t desire to keep and keep the good things and use it to mend myself and become one person that is decent, good, genuine and honest. Maybe through that process I will be able to make some amends to some of the people I have hurt, and maybe figure out how to make amends to the rest of them.
I want to live in a happier and better world and I believe I have to start with myself. I have to be happier and better myself first.
