Phew.
Who knew you could gaslight yourself?
I have been sitting here thinking about how to answer the questions posed to me, and I am unsure how.
In that link above, they say there is a difference between gaslighting yourself and being humble.
“Humility, or being humble, does not diminish your internal self-worth or confidence. You can be humble and confident and have the capacity to stand up for yourself when being ridiculed or manipulated.”
“Self-gaslighting can completely obliterate your perception of value as a person.”
I do not feel like my value is being eradicated. On the contrary, I feel like my values have been easier for me to notice, feel and stand up for.
“We value humility because someone humble recognizes their shortcomings and weaknesses. Someone humble does not fixate on their weaknesses and let them override their strengths or uniqueness as a person.”
“Self-gaslighting, on the other hand, obliterates the right to acknowledge your strengths or accomplishments and stops you from self-improvement in lessening your shortcomings or weaknesses.”
Does it seem like in any of these posts I am focusing on my weaknesses? Perhaps I am being slightly harsh when I am telling tales of my past stupidity. Is it my main focus? No. My focus is on realising that I have done this, I do not like it, but I am taking responsibility for it and moving on.
My strengths and uniqueness are not usually my focus, either. I do not know how to talk about myself positively, either.
Eh, another post for another day.
I am actively doing what I can to improve EVERY SINGLE DAY. I do breathwork and meditate three times a day, journal publicly daily and in private AT LEAST once a day (to avoid any stray thoughts sitting in my head to cause havoc). Add exercise, hydration and eating well. I am sleeping (sort of), and my ADHD is medicated. My seizures are under control. Fitter happier chance of escape (sorry, I could not help myself).
Maybe we need to talk about this:
bias: verb
cause to feel or show inclination or prejudice for or against someone or something.
Bias is disproportionate weight in favour of or against an idea or thing, usually in a way that is closed-minded, prejudicial, or unfair. Biases can be innate or learned. People may develop biases for or against an individual, a group, or a belief.
December 2019. I sat with a group of women I called my friends. It was time to make midwinter wishes. We did it every year. I had nothing to wish for, I had what I needed. I began to think about what people around me could need. One of my friends told me I was being ridiculous – I should ask for a companion.
I sighed and began to write a list of attributes I would like in a partner.
“Perhaps I am not ready to be with anyone,” I sighed after I read this insane list of things I certainly did not want.
She said it was okay, “they were not ready for me either“.
Universe said, “Oh hi, here you go!“
I did not alert anyone that I was talking to him. I did not share (though I suppose if you were really paying attention, you knew something was up) the gallantries of our late-night silliness.
This is not how things are done. I am to tell every aspect of my life to everyone.
I had never had such a blast – we spoke for hours about everything and nothing. He wanted to know about me and what I liked and disliked.
When I disappeared from social media, it was known something was going on.
When I popped around to let everyone know that I was alive and quite well, eyebrows were raised. “Well… where have you been?”
“Falling madly in love with myself and my life, thank you very much.”
I am the creator of my life.
