Did you want me all?
No, not for life
Did you truly see me?
No, not this time
Were you ever sure?
No, no, no, not with me

When you benevolently place your heart in someone else’s care, you hope that they look after it with utmost delicateness. They respect the exchange because they know how fragile this exchange is. At one point, they have been where you are – unsure and giddy at the same time. Even if they are not in the same place as you, they would not disrespect your fragile feelings because they would not want it done to them.

If they are with you, the chances are decent that they are a good human so they are fond of you already, so these emotions are a compliment. They will cultivate your admiration for them so when/if they mirror your feelings, you both will be on the same page.

I wonder what that feels like.

Knowing for sure that I have the same feelings for someone as they have for me.

I have been loved – multiple times. I just did not return the sentiment.

The one time I thought I felt something, it was so complicated.

I have had passion, no problem.

Intimacy… I am not sure about this one.

Commitment I have been given. I am loyal by default.

 

When I look for a relationship, I am looking for a companion. Someone I can share odd things with… not necessarily my bed with. It has always been that way. If someone starts flirting with me, I stop the conversation immediately. It turns me off.

I need to know if we can talk about Middle Earth, politics, music, morals, botany, time travel, space… the final frontier, racist colonisers, food, cats, self-improvement, memes, history (our personal history included)… learning needs to be paramount. If all you see when you look at me is someone who could be a weekend poke, I cannot be bothered.

I am looking for someone to wander the ins and outs of this dying planet with for however long we have left. I am not great at the concept of commitment – but this is my idea of forever.

I am enervated by games and obstacle courses set up by man-children that require you to pass stupidity tests to win their affection. Dumbing myself down has been my go-to because I was told that I was always too much. I am working on myself – for myself and I have a lot to give – I want honesty, kindness & prodigiousness in the person who joins me on this adventure.

And love. I have sold myself short on far too many occasions. Maybe I will need to wait until I am 92 years old, and I will get four days to be gloriously well-matched.

In the meantime, I will be living my life like a damn boss. I am extraordinary. Despite the tests of this life, I am still standing.

And thriving, girl… thriving. I am doing so much that I was told I would never be able to.

For every day that I am blessed with, I will do more and more and get better and better.

And happier and happier.

I am thankful for what I have and what I will become.

Man… this journey is exciting.