I do not know who I am.
I:
– am emotionally detached
– am inconsistent
– have no boundaries
– never forgive myself
– believe that people are inherently good (always)
– have no idea what safety feels like
– am indecisive

Disorganised attachment has entered the chat.

It is not that I do not know what I like or dislike. I just have not felt like my opinions have mattered.

Believe long enough that you have no value and act like it. You know that no one cares if you are happy. You believe deeply that no one is dependable, much less that they have good intentions towards you (even if you have a very optimistic worldview about people as a whole).

Everyone is out to get something from you. And once they have taken all they can from you, they will leave (or you will limp away bruised, weeping and fundamentally altered from your previous state. Smiling is never quite the same. You will never laugh without pausing to see if everyone else is laughing too. You will not dream without the fear of being sucked back into the false comfort of this waking nightmare. Doubt is your constant companion.

Time goes on, and you grow new skin over those wounds. You never laugh as loudly or smile as broadly but, some cheer does return. The nightmares do eventually fade.

That doubt is deep-rooted. It has made itself your new normal. You hardly notice it. You feel as if you have learned to love yourself (and others) more and accept your broken parts. “I have moved on“, you think.

Until you walk away from someone else with new shards sticking out of your previously healed skin. “How did this happen again?” you scream internally as you try to tenderly wrap yourself in something warm to shield you from the blistering cold. “I thought it would work out this time!”

What you do not realise is this: that doubt that you ignored, festered. When you are uncertain about something or someone, it turns into mistrust. When you do not trust someone, you lose confidence in them. No confidence, no hope.

Not only are you lying to them, you are lying to yourself.

You cannot truly love someone that you do not trust.

Pay attention to the signs: When someone does not trust you, they will not confide in you and may question you (constantly). They may be hesitant to share any personal details and, if they do, they may warn you not to tell anyone. They do not introduce you to anyone they know, nor do they talk to anyone about you.

Yet, they will question everything you say and everything you do. They will be hesitant to believe you, and often be the first ones to accuse you of misdeeds.

1. They lie to themselves

One of the most striking behaviours of untrustworthy people is that they see themselves in ways that are simply inconsistent with reality. When you encounter someone who seems disconnected from the actual impact that their actions and behaviours are having, it’s a sure sign that they are trying to create a perception that conforms to their desires rather than to reality.

2. They project behaviours on you that are not ones you are exhibiting

Untrustworthy people also have an amazingly consistent habit of accusing others of behaviours that they are exhibiting (or contemplating).

3. They breach confidentiality

This one has always amazed me. We all remember as kids swearing someone to secrecy only to have them break the promise and then rationalising it by saying, “But I only told one other person.”

4. They show a lack of empathy

This is perhaps the one shared behaviour of nearly every untrustworthy person. They can rationalise being untrustworthy by diminishing the impact, pain, damage, or inconvenience they cause others. This is also the most dangerous of the five behaviours. Once you lose empathy for those whom your actions affect, it is a slippery slope with no bottom. People who truly lack empathy have no awareness that they do, or they are selectively empathetic when it serves their agenda. It is simply all about them.

5. Their emotional state is volatile, and they have a pattern of inconsistency and fickleness in their decisions

If trust is missing in these formative years, it creates uncertainty, doubt, and inconsistency that linger over a person’s entire lifetime of interactions. While it is certainly possible to have people who are not volatile be untrustworthy, it is far more likely that someone whose emotional state fluctuates wildly is. The reason is that they will make promises they quickly regret and retract. They are never certain of why they are making the decisions they are making. And they are far too easily influenced by external factors over their internal compass. Again, we all change our minds, but if someone has a pattern of consistently flip-flopping, look out. Nothing is anchoring that person to an emotional state you can trust.