(I’m trying to tell you now, it’s sabotage)

In the immortal words of The Beastie Boys,
I can’t stand rocking when I’m in here
‘Cause your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my God, it’s a mirage
I’m tellin’ y’all, it’s a sabotage

Mmm, right so, I have had a bitch slap and a half – let me explain without getting side-tracked into 90s hip-hop again.

So! Are you perpetuating your issues on a doom-coaster again?
Are you:
𖦹 play the victim so well that you do not even notice that you have been doing it?
𖦹 self-actualised yourself to the fine point of observing everyone else’s rubbish but completely ignoring the stench coming off of yourself?
𖦹 may not have written this code, but your auto-updates are on, so you are playing your tragedies on a loop.
𖦹 might not even complain about the life you live any more (and!)
𖦹 are tremendously used to it – but when someone does something horrible to you, it is 100% their fault, right?

It makes no sense when you have spent all of this time on your subliminal tracks and meditating and all of that fucking gratitude. You are practically shitting glitter.

You could not have detected that decay, laying so low, whispering how pointless this all was because yeah you might be awesome, sure you could be valuable but in the end, everyone will see you for the fraud you truly are. No one ever sticks around, no one is trustworthy, and everyone will hurt you, (even your mum wishes you were never born).

Ssh, it is okay, you can be a victim. You have the best reasons to be. Stop trying to be happy. Just lay down and wait for it all to be over.

You cannot possibly win with something so heinous, eating everything you build on top of it…like acid.

And it has destroyed every relationship I have ever had.

I would think:

“Maybe they got busy with something in their lives for a minute.“

And five seconds later I guessed they were hiding something and would start to shut them off. I would find places where, of course, they were lying to me (the strange thing about people – once you presume something about them, good or bad, they start to become what you think of them).

I dismantled friendships like this as well.

Hell, I do it to myself. I doubt everything I do.

At least I did.

Therapy has been horrible for me. Throwing this in my face has made me hate going. I get so angry that I go home and throw things. Getting called out on this has been the worst.

The truth always is.
Being accountable for my actions, all of them… is not a journey I care for much.

I am tired of doing this to myself.
I want to be happy – not just when I am forcing myself to think myself happy… but truly happy.