13

Sometimes the worst thing you inherit is not abuse—it is neglect.
Make a list of everything that was not passed down to you.
Then list the ways that lack became part of your personality.
Finally, choose one you are ready to stop handing down to others.

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Upbringings.

Disclaimer: I have never raised a child, and am only speaking from the point of view in the manner I was raised and how I have seen/see others raise their children.

In raising a child, there are certain aspects that would be seen as important to tech the child. Some more than others, and some that take a longer time. Some of the things are simple, everyday things like tying shoelaces, how to brush teeth, how to cross the street etc., simple and small things, but still important! Don’t get me wrong. There are so many small things that we do that may seem unimportant or at times silly, but that are almost crucial to have a safe life. Bad oral hygiene can, in the worst-case scenario, cause heart failure. (And it’s also horribly expensive to visit the dentist as an adult.)

But there are other very important things that a child needs to learn. Things that might seem more abstract, but they are important for your child to learn as they are preparing to become a functioning part of society. Emotional understanding, empathy, mental self-care, learning of consequences and that actions impact other people, and that other people matter just as much as you. It doesn’t matter if you know the person or not. Everyone is to be respected, taken into consideration and treated well. Even if you never even meet or interact directly with a person or have anything to do with them, they should be treated with respect.

My point is that social interactions and self-awareness, and things that is about the emotional and mental aspect of a person, is so very important to learn a child. Some kids may get it right away, some don’t. And I believe that I was one of those kids that didn’t. Or maybe I had parents that didn’t have the time or energy to teach me this properly? Maybe they assumed me to be more like my siblings, or that my siblings and other family members would help in these matters? I don’t know, and I am trying to learn more about these things as I mature emotionally myself. Because I haven’t been a very emotionally mature adult. (I am not blaming my parents in saying these things, by the way. I am just trying to observe and understand where I come from. How I ended up as the person I am now and what do to to become a better person.)

In this post I will try to get a better understanding of what lacked in my own upbringing. To see what wasn’t handed down to me and how this has affected me as an adult.

I would say that I had a very good childhood growing up. I didn’t lack anything. I had a big family, I had all the toys I could dream of, I lived with my family – both of my parents and three older siblings – in a well maintained and big house with a big garden and close to nature, we went on trips in the summer, shorter trips throughout the year etc. I had absolutely everything that a kid would list if asked what he wanted.

The things I didn’t have or were given, were things I didn’t understand I needed and should have had. Even though my family is big and rather close, it is still an emotionally remote and somewhat closed family. Things aren’t talked about very much. I have been told on numerous occasions how a conversation between us can almost sound like a business conference. Things are very direct, planned out and everyone is given their tasks and responsibilities. But there is no emotions. We don’t talk about things that are hard. We don’t speak up if we are feeling “blue” or if something is bothering us. We don’t speak about thoughts of love and affection. I have never heard “I love you” uttered between any of my family members. I don’t doubt that there is love, but it is something that is to go unspoken. Kind of as a hidden secret. Almost embarrassing. That is, at least, my experience of it. That is how I felt it has been growing up. And these are things that I think I missed in my childhood and combined with the way I am wired, caused something to not develop properly.

I have been asked to list the things I feel that wasn’t passed down to me growing up. As I said above, I do not blame my parents for not giving me these things. Maybe they did hand down the essentials of it, but I wasn’t able to catch the lessons? It wasn’t a childhood completely without emotions and care, of course. But I don’t think it was done in a way that was what I needed to learn and understand it. Maybe I was more sensitive or had different needs than my other siblings? Needs that wasn’t picked up on or that I didn’t express properly.

That is perhaps the first part of it: Communication. My family is very fond of talking. Discussions are frequent and diverse. But to talk is only a part of communication. Just as important is to listen, see, choose the right words at the right times, body language – both you own and others, how to have a good discussion without it turning into hostility or an argument, when to realise that you are wrong or right, and then to accept or give definite proof of what you are saying is correct. It is about respecting other’s opinions, emotions, time and boundaries. It’s about coexisting together. This I haven’t learned as I should have. Maybe it was tried, but I didn’t get the deeper context and meaning of it. I just got the superficial idea of it. And this I am struggling with today. I don’t see or listen well. I react instead of responding to what is said. I flare up and attack, or I clam up, avoid or disappear from the conversation. That can be both physically or mentally. I block out people and words. In these actions I end up hurting others. I say things without thinking through what I am saying. What the words mean. And I do so the other way as well. I quickly interpret things as harmful, aggressive or otherwise negative towards me.

I have no problems holding a simple conversation going. I’m good at small talk and I can easily talk to pretty much anybody. But it is when things get deeper, more personal or turn into things I don’t want to talk about, my screen goes down and I become a bad conversationalist. I become defensive, argumentative and completely stops to listen.

This leads me to the next point. Respect. Respect and seeing other people’s value and be appreciative of what I am given from others. This goes for objects and other possessions too. People’s emotions, feelings and boundaries are all valid and important and should be respected. All things have value. All people are valuable. Everyone has the right to be respected, listened to and seen as individuals and as people with their own views and beliefs.

Maybe it was that I didn’t feel seen or heard that led me down this route? I wasn’t good at asserting my own boundaries or expressing myself and how I felt. I let people have their way or walk over me. I would withdraw either into myself or I would go somewhere I could be alone and disappear into my own imagination.

As I look back, I also realise that many of my emotional expressions were like the ones of a toddler: I cried. I made a whole scene of anger and tears, but I never spoke clearly what was going on in my head and my heart. Often it was met with laughter and ridicule, irritation or ignorance. Or I was given a toy or something. Through this, my ability to not express myself was perpetuated and worse, I didn’t learn to see the value of what I had or was given. Things didn’t matter to me. There were of course exceptions to this, but mostly I didn’t care about what I had. Or what others had for that matter. Things were broken and I didn’t care. Maybe I sulked for a minute, but I quickly got over it.
I turned out as a spoiled prat.

This mentality I have brought over into adulthood. I haven’t taken care of my things. Clothes, objects, lovers or friends. Not even myself have I appreciated and taken very good care of. I have had a horrible diet, drank way too much alcohol, not exercised properly, and certainly didn’t care of my mental health.

I didn’t know how to or rather understand why. When I was told what to do or not to do, it wasn’t explained in a way so I understood it. I never saw the point in anything or the value of things. I never learned to work for anything or to be patient either. And even today my work ethics are at best very questionable.

Consequences wasn’t a thing for me. I never learned lessons because I didn’t have to. It wasn’t spoken about what things meant and the hard work it demanded to be able to gain or afford or achieve. I wasn’t explained the why.

So, when I struggled, I gave up instead. As I have done up until this day. I often don’t even try. I look at a task, think to myself “this looks too hard”, and then I end up doing something else. I have used food, people, tv, video games, social media, alcohol, sleep. Anything to avoid doing what should have been done. And then I come up with excuses and whine and complain and want sympathy for not being able to do things.

If I did something wrong as a kid, I wasn’t told why it was wrong. I wasn’t made to understand that why what I had done was something bad or wrong. I often learned to do the “right” things, but not necessarily because I understood why. I just didn’t want to get yelled at. In this way I learned to lie. And I became good at it. I learned to manipulate and wriggle my way out of things. Had I been taught why the things I did was wrong instead of just being yelled at, I believe things would have been differently. But that was not the way it was. I haven’t had a life filled with compassion and care. I have just been told to put on my own bandaid and “don’t do that again”, or when I have hurt myself it hasn’t been anything serious. I have broken bones without it being taken serious. I was probably then not worth the time it took to bother anyone with my hurt.

All these things have led to me being who I am today. I don’t feel as a complete adult. I am still a child.

As a summery I would say that communication, emotional intelligence, work ethics, consequence thinking, value of my possessions and others, and patience is some of the biggest things I wasn’t taught properly.
I have been asked to pick one to stop giving to others. I am not sure how I can, believing that none of this I should give or so to others.

But if I have to choose, I will take where I don’t value my possessions and others. This one I believe contains some of every aspect. In this single part I see manipulation, neglect, thoughtlessness and disrespect. There is communication involved, expression of emotions and consideration of my own and others feelings. There are consequences for myself and others if I don’t value anything. If I don’t see a value in the things and people around me I will create situations with consequences beyond what’s imaginable.

In choosing to see value in all things and beings, I believe that a lot of my other issues will be easier to deal with and to get rid of. To be able to learn what I should have learned decades ago, change and grow as a human being.