We all compare people. Sometimes it’s casual (“she’s funnier than him”), other times it’s brutal (“she’s intimidating; she’s easier”). But comparisons don’t actually describe the other person — they are describing you.
When I thought about how I’ve compared people in my past, I realised something: The traits I called scary in someone else were usually the things I was insecure about. The traits I called safe in someone else were often the things that made it easier for me to hide from myself. For example:
Column A: Scary / Intimidating (Melinda)
• “Smart” really meant I was afraid of not being able to keep up.
• “Accomplished” really meant I was insecure about how little I had done.
• “Strong opinions” really meant I was terrified of conflict.
• “Well-travelled” really meant I felt provincial and small.
• “Intimidating” really meant I was afraid of looking weak.
• “A bit frightening” really meant I needed to face things head-on.
• “A bit too much” really meant not following the script given for me to feel comfortable.
Column B: Safe / Comfortable (Maria)
• “Cute/sexy/Passionate” really meant I wanted a prop to validate me.
• “Easy/Not demanding” really meant I didn’t want to put in effort or face accountability.
• “Submissive” really meant I craved control.
• “No friends” really meant isolation, so that couldn’t challenge me.
• “Playful” really meant I didn’t have to face seriousness or responsibility.
• “Easily impressed/few goals” really meant I didn’t need to grow or evolve to date someone younger than me.
• “Trustworthy” really meant I could lie and cheat and not be questioned.
When I step back, I see it wasn’t about them. It was about me. I projected my fears and insecurities onto one person, and my desire for control onto another. Neither list was about who they actually were. It was my own shame map.
How I see myself: someone who harms, takes, is selfish or in other ways self-absorbed and uncaring of others. I project my fears and insecurities onto others and blame them for my problems.
What I imagine he’s like: He’s tall, handsome, but perhaps not in a striking or “conventional/traditional(?)” way, he has an air of self-confidence around him, and he’s relaxed and secure in himself. He radiates. His confidence is off the charts, but he’s still humble and jovial. Well liked by his friends and always a desired attendee at any gathering, though he never steals the spotlight or makes too much of himself. He is a bit shy-ish, but he knows how to ignore that feeling and find peace in every situation. He’s well-educated and has a good job with a steady income. He likes all kinds of music, and knows about all kinds of bands and artists and records. He plays various instruments, but is perhaps best at the piano. He has deep eyes, a warm voice and a deep laughter. He’s very funny, intelligent, well-travelled, kind, attentive and curious. He’s practical and knows his way around a power tool and a hammer. He’s also sensitive and into the arts. He’s not very good at making art himself, but he likes to see and experience it and talk about it. His job gives him a comfortable income and he can live however he wants.
The imaginary sofa scene: He inhales her scent, her essence, her life. She does the same and they both almost, but just almost blush. As he leans in, she relaxes and with a sigh allows them to snuggle up against each other and be comfortable in one another’s presence, space and embrace. He lays a hand around her shoulder, and she puts her legs across his lap and there they exist and are two, but one.
Why I imagine she is drawn to him: He sees her better, understands her better, listens better. Of all the things he can give to her and experience together with her. How he can travel and go places and experience the world, and he can take her out and spoil her a bit a few times a year. He can be a resource to her emotions and feelings, how he can be there and know how to behave when he’s emotionally needed. His confidence and intellect gives her a good kind of resistance so they can discuss and debate and challenge each other in all kinds of subjects. He can help her find a peace and love the same way she can help him. He has his wounds, but he’s not “damaged” or “broken”.
Someone else feels this way about her, and it’s not me: Cold sweats, panic, stomach churning and heart pounding like it wants to escape this solar system. My jaw clenches and my teeth grind. My hands are shaking, and I can’t seem to find a proper voice to speak with.
What he sees in her: Everything. She is a light and comfort to him. She makes him believe in himself and she makes him want to be better. She sees her beauty, her quirks, her hair, hands, lips, eyes, and just wants to lose himself in her. But he also sees her weaknesses, wounds, problems, issues. But he sees how she turns them into strengths. He also see someone independent, intelligent and curious. Someone that wants to experience life and the world and parallel universes – someone to explore and sense with. He sees so many things in her that he both finds in himself, but that he also lacks. He wants for her to know him – every aspect and part of him – as he wants to know her. He feels he can be himself around her and finds it so easy to be frank, open, honest and vulnerable.
