In preparation for a mini-course I will be holding for my final exam, I have been holding some conversations about a much-used (but often misunderstood) term: boundaries.
In several conversations (and even more self-reflections!) I have noticed that textbook definitions of boundaries (“a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others <in some shape or form>”) vs what is understood is VERY different.
Boundaries are NOT a way to control someone else’s behaviours. They are not a way to manipulate those around you. Boundaries are also not an excuse to live unhealthy, unethical or self-centred lives.
Boundaries ARE consequences that you put in place ahead of time and communicate CLEARLY to those who have harmed you in the past.
You are setting boundaries first to make life easier for yourself to avoid being hurt & then you build healthier new relationships in the future.
Knowing the difference between building boundaries and building barriers is PARAMOUNT.
Taking a good look at your own behaviours is necessary – are you a cause of your own grief? Do you tend to cling to unhealthy connections past their due dates? Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Setting boundaries can help you avoid mistreating yourself before someone else does.
Let me say this again, however: COMMUNICATION IS KEY! If you have not had clear communication previously, enforcing boundaries will feel impersonal and out of the blue.
Note: it takes strength to be kind. In attempts to quiet the chaos of life, some have shifted to a more robotic way of communication.
This manner of interrelation does not consider the whole but rather the one. Treating people with the same amount of kindness & grace you would require if the roles were reversed is the best.
It is becoming stock to consume relationships (of all kinds) as quickly as we devour content. People are not expendable. Ghosting is cowardly. Say your human words and move on.
You would want it done for you.
I understand to some extent that I do not think, feel or act like “most” people. I fall on a rating system with things. If it is a 1 – I do not bother with it. If it is a 5 – I sit down with that person, and we talk it out.
We always deserve the space to talk things out.
Pick up your litter. Put your plate away when you eat out – no one gets paid that much. Be glorious to the wait staff – even if they mess up your order, or you hate your food. You have the privilege to afford a meal out, and at home, you can always fix something else. Do you know what a smile and a thank-you do?
And how does it make YOU feel to step out of your entitlement to understand that we are only here for a short time to love everyone around us?
Thanks to the bus driver, wave to the guy who cut you off in traffic, and send blessings and good wishes to someone who has done you wrong.
Make those boundaries to keep yourself from projecting your emotions onto others, so you can learn to put more positive value on yourself and how much you have.
We have so much ♥️