In my behaviour and treatment of Beatrice, I have spread my own shame from myself to her. I have been ashamed, withdrawn, insecure and felt undesirable, and have given these things to her.Β
I took someone who was so curious, open, interested and free, and turned her down every single time the topic of sex came up. Not only about sex itself, but sexuality, kinks, fetishes and every aspect about sex. It was, as I said, also in my behaviour. I didnβt show interest towards her or desire. I let her do all the things when it came to engage in sexual activity. She had to suggest, initiate, ask, prod, make the jokes, make the situation happen Everything became her chore. Because that was what I turned it into. A chore for her to do. I stepped back, and let her doo everything. She wanted and needed me to take the initiative because I was supposed to be the one with the experience and knowledge. And I did have some experience and knowledge. But the majority of it was fake. I didnβt have an ounce of confidence. I didnβt really know how to walk that path of two somewhat inexperienced persons discovering sexuality together. I had always relied on the other persons confidence and experience, and then faked everything else. If I had been honest with myself and with Beatrice, I think this could have been quite easily overcome. Instead I draped everything in lies. I hid myself and my true life behind veils upon veils of lies and made up stories about sexual conquests, experiences and decadence. The only thing this managed to do, was to make me feel useless and awful, and made her feel undesirable and unwanted. It ended up as being her fault for us not engaging in sexual activities as we should have done. I didnβt communicate, listen, or show her desire.Β
I have finally been able to come clean to her about my sexual past. There was a lot I had to finally admit to myself about it first, and I am sorry to say it has taken me months from starting to realise things to finally finding the courage to tell her everything. And I feel embarrassed about it all. I feel a different kind of shame from it. I know that hindsight is more or less useless. But I see how things wouldβve been different had I been open from the beginning. As I wanted to be. I have lied a lot, and to a lot of people. It have rarely bothered me too much. But to lie to Beatrice has always felt wrong. I am a compulsive liar (I think) and havenβt always been aware that I have lied about certain things. Not until after, at least. But lying to Beatrice has felt wrong. And I have felt it weigh on me more and more over the years. All I ever wanted was for her to know me. And I denied her pretty much every aspect of that through my behaviour. It wasnβt only sexual, but every part of me got kept behind a veil of lies and deceptions. It was never that I didnβt want for her to know me. I was ashamed and afraid. I think perhaps that has been a part of why I felt guilt so early in knowing her as well. I lied from the beginning, and I felt guilty about it. It was something I had never experienced before. But instead of recognising and fixing this, I kept the behaviour up, made the same choices and ended up hurting and ruining her life in the process. And I even blamed her for it. Β
I could not face who I was, what I felt, what I wanted and desired, that I had lied and betrayed as I had. I couldnβt face myself. I was told by Beatrice that she has been a mirror to me. A mirror where I could see myself. And I have refused to look, acknowledge what I have seen and done anything to change this. In the process I denied her happiness and freedom. I denied her the sexual experience that I should have been there to explore with her and I made her feel so many horrible things about herself. I made her feel ugly, unwanted, not sexy, old, undesirable, undesired, I made her feel unsafe in her own body due to racist comments, I made her believe that she was not good enough and that she was a lesser being than me due to these things. I gave her attributes that did not belong to her and I took the attributes that di and either removed them or perverted them.Β
I will talk more about these things in the coming month and reflect more upon my treatment, how my sexual preferences and tendencies affected her and how I made my choices based on these thing. I donβt know how much it will help Beatrice with me doing these things, but I hope it will help find some thing in it that at least can help explain some of my behaviour. I will try to do my best in being factual, concrete and donβt write too many words and skip the actual content of the writings.Β
