Sexual Preferences: Pornography, Kinks, and Responsibility

For a long time I used shame as both armour and weapon.

I hid parts of my sexuality until they warped into something secretive and mean.

Instead of learning how to talk about what I liked, I buried it under lies and pornography.

Porn became my easiest form of control.

I could choose the image, the pace, the ending.

Real intimacy asks for honesty, for presence.

Porn asked for nothing—and I gave it everything.

The more I watched, the less I spoke.

When Beatrice wanted openness, I offered embarrassment or silence.

When she asked for connection, I retreated into a screen.

That distance told her she wasn’t wanted, and it told me I didn’t have to be real.

I also used my shame to punish her.

I made her curiosity into something “wrong,”

as if her questions about desire were threats instead of invitations.

That was cruelty disguised as discomfort.

I turned my own confusion into evidence that she was the problem.

Looking back, the content I consumed mirrored the way I treated her—

power without empathy, performance without care.

Even if the harm wasn’t physical, it was still abuse.

I took the language of pleasure and used it to erase her dignity.

Accountability means saying that plainly.

There’s no moral victory in admitting addiction or compulsion;

there’s only the daily work of unlearning how to objectify people.

I’m in therapy now to understand the link between shame and control.

I no longer consume pornography.

That isn’t a badge of virtue; it’s the boundary I should have kept all along.

What I owe Beatrice isn’t another confession—it’s silence that isn’t hiding.

A silence that means I’m finally listening,

that I’m learning to let her story exist without inserting myself into it.

This post is the end of my statements on this subject.

The work continues privately, where it always should have been.

These three statements have been edited and approved as the closing entries from Audun. They remain published to complete the public record of accountability and to provide clarity for those affected. No additional commentary, discussion, or expansion will be released. Further reflections, apologies, or interpretations will be handled privately through his own therapeutic process.

The purpose of these posts is to acknowledge harm and finalise the written amends, not to reopen dialogue or seek sympathy. This concludes his participation on this subject.