This is hard to read. I can really feel what is said here, what is experienced and how she felt about all of this. I can see now that she is correct about so many of these things. It wasn’t just a friendship. It wasn’t what I believed it was. I didn’t behave in the way I did. And I am so horribly sorry for that. I did go elsewhere to find what I could work out and created in the relationship. I did take my attention and my efforts and gave them to others. I failed in recognising how this only made everything worse. How this created a bigger contrast. I build something nice and easy with Marte, and I tore down my actual relationship with Beatrice. The more I worked on the relationship with Marte, the less I put into my relationship with Beatrice. And the contrast increased, making it easier to seek out what was nice and abandon what was difficult. I didn’t understand that I created and perpetuated this and how I behaved because of it. It was not that I wanted a romantic relationship with Marte. I wanted it with Beatrice, but I didn’t know how to achieve these things due to my fears and insecurities. Yes, I have to mention them, because they were very present and significant. I let them steer me instead of finding ways to solve the problems. I avoided instead. And yes, I got more insecure due to the friendships Beatrice had because I felt I couldn’t compete with the people she had. I was afraid. And I acted on my fears. Not realising my behaviour only amplified the problems, Beatrice’s needs of support from others, alienated her from me and ruined any trust left and made it basically impossible to build new trust.
But I abandoned Beatrice. I left her alone. I went to others. I lied about it all, and I hurt Beatrice so much an repeatedly doing this. That is the reality of the situation, and I can’t ignore that. I acknowledges it and I am trying to own it.
I am sorry.
