a- link to original post
b-what circumstance do I believe lead to this post being written?
I believe the circumstance behind this is a desire to show, to educate and tell about how (domestic) abuse works. Parts of what prompted the post could be the abuse she herself has suffered. I would also say that I have had a part to play in that part, and we have had several conversations about this.
c-whatβs the central idea or message?
I believe this is written as a way to show people how abuse – especially domestic abuse – works. Why it’s not as easy to just “walk away” or “leave”. It’s not always clear to anyone involved that it is happening until it’s has been going on for a long time, and then the bond that exists can be incredibly hard to step away from. As it’s said in the post; it’s biology in play here.
d-whatβs the tone of the post (The author’s attitude toward the subject)?
The tone is quite direct, but open and educational. The way it’s written says that she has understanding about the subject, and it is not all educational.
e-whatβs the mood of the post? (The overall atmosphere or feeling the post creates)?
The fact that the understanding of this is from personal experience gives some weight to the post. It is emotional, but it is not ruled by it. It’s still conveyed with a kind of a therapists academic comprehension, but with a deeper emotional understanding. It is strong, it is honest and it is well written.
f-how does the post make you feel?
I feel ashamed and a sense of guilt from having been an abuser. It was never anything I attempted or intended. But I feel more empathy towards the people I have abused.Β I see bette how things have been for her and how she have experienced me – whatever my intentions has been. I am sorry for what I have done, and I want to properly apologise for the abuse, the consequences she suffered, and for not having done anything to help her survive them.
g-what do you like about the post?
I like the form, the language and the examples. It is written in a way that makes the point come out clearly, even if one don’t have any prior knowledge or education about the subject. I like how it explains things, and though it doesn’t excuse abuse, it helps make sense of the behaviour of the abused. It is an important thing that people tend to dismiss and ask “why didn’t you leave sooner” and other things like that. It helps raise awareness and knowledge.
h-what do you dislike about the post?
I dislike that I read about myself in it. Not through my name or anything, but through the behaviours that is talked about. I have been abusing people, and I am horrified about the degree of abuse I have committed. That said, it isn’t the post itself I don’t like. It is myself, what I have done and how I have treated Beatrice and others.
I-what questions does the post leave you with?
I want to ask “is there anything you need?” I don’t expect she wants anything from me, or an answer at all. But I just wanted to have asked it.
j-do you connect with the post? Why or why not?
Yes. I would say so. Not as a victim or anything like that, but a perpetrator. I, the abuser, can see things written and explained here, and I can take it to me and use it in changing myself, my behaviour and my life. Perhaps in the longer run I can use it to actually give something positive back. Either to people I have hurt, or others that need help.
a) link to original post
b) what circumstance do I believe lead to this post being written?
I remember we had a conversation about this topic at some point. We have had several conversations about this topic, so I don’t think this was the exact reason to why it was written. I think – and I am terrified of being assuming or anything here – that it had something to do with me, us and our relationship. Not necessarily directly about our relationship, but perhaps something that has been needed to be said because of differences in our understandings of love, trust, relationships and partnerships. What I have seen or understood as love has been a bit different from what she have seen and felt herself. How she experiences love, how she shows it, what it means to her. For me it has been more about the fireworks, I think. But more importantly, it has been a part of a need to be in control of things. I haven’t been able to let go of that. And this has been a source of issues in our relationship. Not the only one, but a part of it, nonetheless.
c) whatβs the central idea or message?
The central idea here is to show how the author experiences love, and that love can be different things for different people. And that, of course, trust don’t have to be a part of love. Perhaps just as love doesn’t have to be a part of trust. Love isn’t just a feeling or an emotion. It is a choice. Love is a verb. It is something you do. You can feel love, but if you don’t act the part, if you don’t show up and do the work, then it becomes only an empty words. It can feel like whatever it want to, but if it isn’t acted upon – if it isn’t chosen to do – it doesn’t matter.
d) whatβs the tone of the post (The author’s attitude toward the subject)?
I sense that the post is written with passion. The type of passion only the author is able to write, I feel. It isn’t airy, or lecturing. It isn’t about shaming others or making them feel bad. This is is deeper,Β quieter, stronger.Β It is powerful, but perhaps a bit of it contains some frustration?
e) whatβs the mood of the post? (The overall atmosphere or feeling the post creates)?
And that is perhaps how I sense the mood in this post as well. It is powerful, but the frustration hints to some tiredness. The author is very confident in this matter, but she have had to explain this to me so many times. How love isn’t simply a feeling. An emotion. It is so much more. It is your choices and actions. How you show up for others. It is also educational. Not in a “textbook-on-a-particular-subject” kind of educational. Neither is it lecturing. It is more… nurturing? Compassionate? I apologise. I am not entirely sure what the word I am looking for is.
f) how does the post make you feel?
And that is perhaps some of my issue. I gets easily confused about this subject. I believed I had a good understanding of love, trust and their roles to play in the body and in a relationship. Or just towards other people in your life. I believed it was about fireworks. About losing oneself. That isn’t love. That is lust. Not that love can’t contain lust! But it has evolved beyond that. IT has evolved beyond your needs, and focuses on their needs. And here I have failed in showing up with love. I haven’t put in the work. I have made excuses and blamed feelings, people, upbringing, mental health issues. The simple fact is that I am confused. And reading this makes me feel like I am a 3 year old used to walking in simple sandals with velcro, suddenly finding myself figuring out of how to wear these grown-up stilettos with intricate lacings and straps that makes a Roman caligae appear like flip-flops. But it also fills me with the feeling of awe and mushy warm feeling stuff. Because it does sound amazing. Both to receive this kind of love – trust or no trust – and to have this kind of love to give to someone.
g) what do you like about the post?
This is something I like about this post, and it is something the author’s writing often makes me feel. Awe and a longing for the things she’s writing about. Or rather the feelings behind the subject. And she makes every subject to be more easily understood. Though I don’t understand this subject very well, I am made to understand the point still. At the same time I don’t feel like I’m lectured. It isn’t condescending or patronising. It is simply well explained how some things feels.
h) what do you dislike about the post?
But that is also a part of it that I don’t like. But it’s not the posts fault per se. This is just the things that I question about myself after reading this post. I gets condescending towards myself. Can’t read something about someone else, without making it into a pity-part for me, right? Though I don’t like how that makes me feel, I am at least able to recognise it and acknowledge it, even if I still have to make it a bit about myself.
i) what questions does the post leave you with?
Im not entirely sure what questions this post really leaves me with. I know it leaves me with some concerns about my own emotional abilities and function. Perhaps my biggest question is how can I overcome these fears that love brings with it inside of me?
j) do you connect with the post? Why or why not?
I think it connects well with me. I feel it inside of me. I feel the regrets ofΒ my choices, I feel the unfairness I have treated others with and I think I understand things a bit better. Im not sure if I understand the “connection” properly, but I feel that I connect to it. Though, I am not certain I am able to get that through in my writings.
As an end of my reflection I just want to thank the author for these words.
