Let me be honest: living in Scandinavia is like living in a National Geographic documentary directed by Wes Anderson. Beautiful, symmetrical, slightly depressing, mostly pointless and narrated by someone who has never spoken above 45 decibels in their entire life.
The other day, while watching something completely unrelated, I suddenly said:
βScandinavians respect nature more than they respect people.β
And listen, I was not trying to start a cultural war. I was eating snacks and playing Stardew. Once I said it out loud, I could not take it back. Now it lives in my head like the pet raccoon of my dreams (wild, manipulating me into thinking it is house-trained and that it loves me).
Why are there more books about elks than parenting?
In Norway there are entire lexicons (never mind numerous childrenβs books and troves of epic tales that get turned into poetry) dedicated to:
β’ Forests
β’ Elks
β’ Fjords
β’ Rocks
β’ The melancholy of snow
β’ Why moss is important
β’ Why Norwegians love moss
β’ Why the moss loves them back
BUT when it comes to:
β’ Caring for children
β’ Caring for yourself
β’ Caring for aging parents
β’ Caring for literally anyone who breathes
β¦crickets. Absolute emotional tumbleweed.
I said this to my friend.
They stared at me.
Blink. Blink.
Friend: βOhβ¦ do you mean we see ourselves as part of nature, not humanity?β
Me: βNo. That is not what I meant. At all.β
Universe: laughs in Nordic melancholy
Community? Never Heard of Her.
Here is the thing: historically, Norwegians lived isolated on mountains like socially anxious goats. You would THINK that would make them cling to each other like Velcro. Nope.
Friend: βIt should make people more importantβ¦ but somehow people became less valuable.β
The Scandinavian plot twist I never saw coming.
Norway loves to cosplay being indigenous without committing to the community part.
β’ βWe love the land!β
β’ βWe honour tradition!β
β’ βWe worship pine trees!β
Meanwhile, 99.9% of them have NEVER herded a reindeer, but scroll Tinder and every man looks like:
βHi, my name is BjΓΈrn. Here is the fish I kidnapped.β
Swap the fish for a:
β’ A shotgun
β’ A treadmill
β’ A log he split in 2008
β’ Something dead
β’ Something heavy
β’ Something that wants to be free
And the women?
Hot tub + wine + forest hike. Every. Single. One.
I was on Tinder for FOUR days years ago. I had 99+ likes within an hour. Not because men were excited (I am awesome and all but come on now).
But because I was not:
β’ blonde
β’ translucent
β’ staring into the void surrounded by pine trees that DO NOT EVEN SMELL LIKE PINE (who named these things? they smell like SKY. I refuse to be gaslit by trees)
Cultural Choreography β Not Community ! This is not connection! This is performance art. Sort of like going to church every Sunday so no one thinks you are a heathen β even though you would rather fight a wild swan with your bare hands (but would never because your Canada Goose Jacket was expensive).
Everyone does the outdoors thing and pretends to enjoy it.
Everyone secretly hates it, even the kids.
So, My Beautifully Confusing Norweegies, Riddle Me This:
β’ Has nature replaced people?
β’ Do humans matter less than elks?
β’ If you stopped hiking for long enough, do you think the trees you named would miss you?
β’ Why is the forest treated like a VIP guest while humans are treated like distant cousins at a family reunion?
β’ Did someone accidentally delete the βcommunityβ patch from the cultural operating system?
And most importantly: do you WANT to be this way, or did it just⦠happen to you?
I ask with love.
And snacks.
Always snacks. Now please, somebody explain. I really do not understand (this. Or much of anything else).
