It is not the world I do not trust – it is myself.
Not because I am untrustworthy. I was never given safe conditions to learn what self-trust even feels like. Self-trust is not a belief, it is a nervous system state. Mine was trained to anticipate danger even during peace, betrayal even during tenderness, collapse even during success.
When you grow up in:
β’ hypervigilance
β’ survival imagination
β’ βprepare for the worstβ rehearsals
β’ emotional landmine maps
Your system learns:
βIf I let my guard downβ¦ I die.β
Which means even when magic arrives, when the desire shows up, when the evidence appears, when the reality shifts β
your body goes: βThis is too goodβ¦ I do not trust myself with joy. Abort mission.β
I do not think I am weak. I think my genius psyche is calibrated for survival.
The internet gathers us together and calls us βempathsβ because we are excellent at:
β’ reading people
β’ reading patterns
β’ navigating chaos
β’ anticipating emotional weather
β’ shifting states
β’ imagining outcomes
β’ surviving situations others would crumble in
But inner trust? That was never taught β only punished.
I have been labelled as, βstrong, reliable, capableβ.
Internally? The dialogue runs like this:
βWhat if I ruin this?”
“What if I break my own life? (or the kids?)”
“What if I am the danger?β
Trauma always plants the idea that you are the volatile element.
