Throw a plate on the floor. It is smashed into pieces – some large, some tiny, but clearly it is beyond superglue repair.Β
Now tell that plate you are sorry. Tell it that you did not mean it to end up so broken, and you wish it had never happened.Β
Is the plate fixed?Β
If someone makes a mess, you are expected to clean it up, and somehow the discussion becomes about how fragile the plates were instead of who threw them.
People with so-called βcluster Bβ traits often experience emotions that are volcanic, fast, and self-protective β and they may learn strategies that keep the lava off themselves by spraying it onto everyone else (about the DSM bit: labels can be tempting because they feel like cheat codes. But diagnoses are working models, not destiny scrolls. That does not make them villains. It also does not make their behaviour harmless).
This fits a pattern: either not thinking things through or staying vague to avoid being pinned down. That is a recurring move:
β’ They insist on precision from you
β’ They offer ambiguity when their words are challenged
β’ They retreat behind βI just canβt explain it,β which shuts the conversation down while leaving the impact on you unaddressed
That is a clever psychological trick because it frames the problem as their tragic inarticulateness rather than the harm being done. Meanwhile, the βmean girl textingβ β the sniping, the digs, the passive-aggressive flourishes β becomes normalised. Plate shards everywhere, and you are supposed to tiptoe around them like they do not exist.
Long friendships complicate this. History is sticky. We remember shared jokes, support during hard times, and all the βgood data.β But the last several months are data, and the trend matters. When someoneβs emotional storms always seem to require your umbrella, that is not friendship, now is it? It becomes unpaid emotional labour.
Clarity is not rude. Asking βWhat do you mean?β is a request for shared reality, not an attack. If they cannot meet you there, that is information. Empathy does not erase accountability. You can understand why someone behaves the way they do and still decide the fallout is not yours to absorb. Consistency is the tell. Everyone has bad days. But if the tone has settled into habitual contempt or manipulation, that is no longer a weather pattern β that is the climate.
You are ALWAYS allowed to shift the terms of engagement.
Something as simple as: βWhen you text like that, it feels hostile. I will not continue conversations that come at me sideways.β
Then follow through quietly, with no lecture, no courtroom, just a boundary with gravity.
And here is the slightly philosophical truth hiding under all of this: friendship is an experiment in mutual care. If one side keeps substituting explanation for repair, the experiment is failing, regardless of the theory behind it.
Understand the situation clearly, that is, perception doing its job (not cruelty). The next layer, the uncomfortable but empowering one, is deciding what level of contact protects your nervous system without turning you into someone hardened and cynical. That balancing act is where lifeβs wisdom gets forged.
