So here is the random conversation I apparently thought was worth saving:
Him:
βI pushed you away because I was afraid.β
Me:
βYou literally called me ugly.β
Him:
βBecause I didnβt want to like you.β
Also him:
Act I:
I was so scared of being hurt that I hurt you first. Repeatedly. With confidence.
And again:
βI wanted a woman who was not what I wanted, because the woman I DID want made me feel things.β
once more (with some emo):
βI tried to date women I was not attracted to so my feelings would not activate.β
Like choosing bland cereal so you will not overeat (when you know you are going to leave it in the cabinet or dump a ton of sugar on it).
Meanwhile I was over here, full-grown (in height at least), paying bills, listening to Vampires Will Never Hurt You like I was fighting demons in a Victorian asylum, trying to understand why men do this thing where they want a girlfriend and a mother and an emotional hostage all in one.
Freud would have been foaming at the mouth.
I do not know why I saved this conversation.
Maybe to remind myself how far I have come.
Maybe to laugh at the absurdity of it now. Maybe because I was listening to Iβm Not Okay on repeat and thought it was foreshadowing.
or,
My Chemical Romance is my coping mechanism and Billie Eilish is my emotional support gremlin?
sounds about right.
note: let them avoid you. Crazy = Genius and they are all Panic and Excuses.
