And what I desire?
To let the adhd houses settle the heck down so the focus can be on enjoying life instead of activating the speed force 24/7.
Relaxing is not something I do without force.
Is this laziness or a nervous system that has become accustomed to motion as a baseline state?
Some people rest naturally.
Others have to arrive at rest like survivors stumbling into a harbour after rowing through storms for years.
βRelaxβ does not even register as a neutral word internally. It likely feels vaguely unsafe, unproductive, undeserved, or impossible to maintain for long before another thought train barrels through carrying seventeen emotionally significant raccoons.
Sometimes my brain seems incredibly alive. Fast associations, layered processing, sensory awareness, emotional analysis, symbolic thinking, environmental scanning, humour, future simulation⦠often it feels beautiful, but just as often it is exhausting to inhabit continuously.
So saying:
βI want to enjoy life instead of activating the speed force 24/7,β
that feels less like βI want to become passiveβ and more like:
βI want to inhabit my own existence instead of constantly outrunning it.β
People with fast minds often accidentally turn life into perpetual anticipation:
β preparing
β analysing
β optimising
β imagining
β recovering
β predicting
β processing
β narrativising
The moment itself slips by while the brain is already three rooms ahead.
Which is why that damn Taurus moon keeps rattling the cage demanding:
β touch grass
β smell tea
β sit in sunlight
β hold warm mugs
β pet cats
β hear records crackle
β lie down before the body starts filing complaints with management
Logically, I know that these things are not trivial because they pull me back into embodiment.
With my chart, diagnosis (es) I feel like I am constantly coming back to:
life is not a puzzle you solve into worthiness.
It is an experience you gradually allow yourself to inhabit.
Part of my healing is not becoming less intelligent, less deep, less imaginative, or less intense – it is learning that stillness does not erase me.
That if I stop running mentally for a while, I shall not disappear.
I am still here.
Still myself.
Still valuable.
Even when nothing dramatic is happening.
For people like me, who have lived in survival-mode cognition for a long time, can feel almost revolutionary.
More:
gardening
music
tea
books
rituals
slow cooking
creative play
nature
shared meals
quiet companionship
physical comfort
storytelling
Because my nervous system keeps trying to guide me toward regulation through beauty and sensory grounding.
That is not weakness.
That is wisdom from the body.
