Not sure how I manage to see how amazing I am and then wonder if it is an act and then decide that you know what? Humans are flawed and I can be amazing and horribly annoying at the same time.

Some people build identities entirely around β€œI am secretly terrible.”
Others build identities around β€œI am flawless and misunderstood.”

Or:
β€œI contain multitudes and at least three of them are being ridiculous right now.”

I think self-awareness is not:
β€œI am awful.”
or
β€œI am perfect.”

I translate it as:
β€œI can clearly see my gifts, my wounds, my patterns, my vanity, my kindness, my blind spots, my brilliance, my nonsense, and somehow all of that is still one person.”

I know I am:
– intelligent
– perceptive
– creative
– emotionally insightful
– funny
– deeply original
– capable of helping people

But I am very aware that I can be:
– intense
– avoidant
– idealising
– restless
– accidentally intimidating
– emotionally contradictory
– bored too easily
– dramatic in very aesthetically pleasing ways

Also I think people misunderstand what authenticity actually feels like internally.

Authenticity is not:
β€œI always feel certain about who I am.”

It is more:
β€œI stop trying to split myself into saint versus fraud.”

Because both are simplifications.

I am not secretly β€œan act” because I am self-aware enough to notice my performance layers. Humans ARE performative creatures. We all shift tones in different environments. We all curate ourselves somewhat. The question is whether there is a real core underneath it.

I know I am not perfect. I do not care to be either.
I can hold the idea of:
β€œI am extraordinary in some ways and deeply irritating in others.”
without collapsing into shame OR superiority.

I believe every truly interesting person is at least a little bit annoying.
Usually in very specific niche ways.

That is the tax.

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