Coping mechanisms
1989-2025
My coping mechanisms are now being put aside and laid to rest. The future does seem a bit scarier and more uncertain without them: They were many, they were frequently applied and well-used, and for or a moment they will be missed. I am sure, however, that they will rest peacefully and not be missed, but only remembered as the time wears on.
I can look back and see the time they started to first come into my life in a proper and consistent manner. I was a kid, and my first coping mechanism was the silence and the withdrawing from people, I think. I would just lower my eyes, close my mouth and either turn to a solitary activity like Legoβs, reading cartoons, tv, or go outside and hang out in the woods near my house. It wasnβt only silence, but the solitude and being away from people I used as well. Safety in numbers, perhaps, but also safety alone.
As I grew older other coping mechanisms came along. They werenβt all bad, of course. There was the βconversationalistβ – he who could get along and talk with anybody, old or young. I would tell jokes, or stories, talk about something I had learned or ask questions that seemed relevant to what they talked about. I got particularly good at talking about local history and farming. How the crops were doing and compared them with good or bad crops from other years I had been told about.
The older I got, however, the darker my mechanisms turned. Lying, omitting, hiding things, giving half truths became something I did. It became an easy way to avoid consequences or to avoid yelling or trouble.
Then, as a teenager I discovered the beauty of intoxication. I really liked it! I liked how I could forget or to avoid thinking and feeling. I was not a popular kid, and the alcohol helped me ease up, make me happier, funnier (or at least so I thought), more confident and less worried about everything that was going on in my head. I just stopped caring as much. The more I drank the less I cared. It helped me to focus on things I liked to do and during that time I started to learn to play bass and guitar.
As a musician I also found a way to cope. I could use it as a good excuse to avoid doing certain things, I could party, I could be around people that gave me attention and I took it all.
Though I have had many coping mechanisms through my life, the most consistent one has been other people and avoidance, Iβd say. I could turn to different people to get attention, give myself confidence or just avoid other issues that I should have dealt with.
I could find people easily and everywhere I went. I was good at small talk, had many small fun facts that could humour others and I knew enough about enough things to be able to follow most subjects that was brought up.
Now, finally, I lay my coping mechanisms to rest. I lay them down as to be able to move on, to grow as a human and to become a better person. I donβt like how much and often they were used. I used them to avoid feeling bad, to avoid tough situations, feelings and emotions I didnβt know how to express or understand, avoid feeling lonely. I used them to be someone I was not. Now I am ready to be the person I should always have been. I am ready to be me without all the masks, coping mechanisms and the avoidance.
RIP
