When honesty left my relationship with Beatrice, everything else began to break. I hid messages, flirtations, and entire relationships behind small lies. Each lie was a decision to protect my comfort instead of her trust.
I told myself it was harmless, that everyone keeps a few secrets. What it really did was teach me to separate affection from truth.
I could say I love you while building a second life a few clicks away. That isnβt affectionβitβs manipulation.
The secrecy grew into performance.I wrote messages to other women that mirrored the words I denied Beatrice.
Compliments, curiosity, attentionβall of the things she asked for and I said I couldnβt give. It was easier to be generous with strangers than to be accountable at home. When she confronted me, I argued instead of admitting.
I made her feel irrational for seeing what was right in front of her. That is gaslighting, and it destroys more than trustβit distorts reality itself.
Infidelity wasnβt the only betrayal. There was also the betrayal of silence: the nights I watched her doubt herself and said nothing, the times she needed honesty and I offered pity instead.
If there is one thing I know now, itβs that secrecy is a slow violence. It asks the other person to keep loving a version of you that doesnβt exist.
And when the truth finally surfaces, it rewrites every memory they had as a lie. Iβm not writing this to justify anything.
There is no context that makes deception acceptable. Iβm writing it because I want to be precise about what I did wrong.
Precision is the opposite of excuseβitβs how you stop repeating patterns. Repair begins with transparency, and it continues with distance. Beatrice deserves peace that doesnβt depend on me explaining myself. The best apology I can give her now is a quiet one: to change privately, to stay accountable publicly, and to never use confession as a substitute for change.
These three statements have been edited and approved as the closing entries from Audun. They remain published to complete the public record of accountability and to provide clarity for those affected. No additional commentary, discussion, or expansion will be released. Further reflections, apologies, or interpretations will be handled privately through his own therapeutic process.
The purpose of these posts is to acknowledge harm and finalise the written amends, not to reopen dialogue or seek sympathy. This concludes his participation on this subject.
