I used to think I was very bad at forming relationships unless I heavily masked my differences. The masking helped me blend in, but never led to any real connections. I was told once that I was flawed because I said too much, shared too much and showed who I was too early. It is a game to give just enough at the right times.
It is gaslighting/manipulation 101.
I got so exhausted, wondering if I said something that was an overshare. No, no, says the therapist. I was talking to someone who needed to hide. It was not me, and I should not take it personally.
I never did, though.
I understood at a fundamental level that love is not a bartering tool. It is something that you give because you feel it and want to share it… not because you think you have something to gain by twisting the strings around someone’s neck and pulling them every time you want them to react.
I want to take credit for that metaphor, but it was told to me by someone who felt this “love“. It hurts me to think that life is truly like this… a constant transaction of tit-for-tat. Giving just because you want to and never expecting anything in return is considered suspicious.
I wonder what makes someone like this?
Dating is daunting at its very best. I think maybe I will stick to cats and plants 😂
