1.) You feel stuck because you think something happened to you.
Victim.
2.) You feel guilty because you think something is beyond your control.
Victim.
3.) You are sick because you are ruminating about things you were not even in the room for.
Victim.
Future faking is a slang term for behaviours typically used by narcissistic people who want to manipulate someone else by constantly and convincingly. These grandiose promises are made with zero intention of follow-through:
• “We will get married someday”
• “I will change completely next month”
• “I will go to therapy and fix everything”
• “Just give me one more chance”
Narcissistic people tend to use future faking to manipulate the person they are in a relationship with. These individuals get a keen read on what someone may want out of a relationship, and spin a fantastic depiction of their shared future together to keep the person engaged in the relationship and to prevent them from leaving.
Narcissists take any sense of abandonment, large or small, as a very severe, life-altering event and are very sensitive to criticism. They will go to extreme lengths to avoid rejection and abandonment at all costs—and future faking can be a tactic used to avoid being alone.
Typical Manifestations:
• Overwhelming them with affection
• Showering their target with love (love bombing)
• Describing detailed future scenarios that never materialise
• Consistently presenting an idealised version of potential future events
• Using emotional manipulation to keep someone invested
• Keep you around as a resource for attention, sex and approval
• Will gaslight, manipulate and emotionally abuse you into exhaustion to remove the ability to think critically about them (or their intentions)
Side effects:
• Pacifies their current target
• Avoids immediate accountability
• Maintains control in a relationship
• Prevents confrontation about present behaviours
• Creates temporary emotional relief for the victim
• Provides false hope
• Delays inevitable confrontation
• Maintains psychological control
Honest self-reflection can help clarify feelings about a prospective partner and what is being brought to the relationship. If possible, future-faking scenarios are appearing early on in the relationship, and trusting one’s own emotions and somatic responses will help identify red flags.
Distinguishing Future Faking vs. Genuine Future Planning
Genuine Future Planning Characteristics:
• Specific, realistic timelines
• Concrete action steps
• Consistent follow-through
• Transparent communication
• Mutual agreement and collaboration
• Incremental progress
• Accountability for previous commitments
• Willingness to adjust plans collaboratively
Future Faking Red Flags:
• Vague, overly romantic promises
• No specific implementation strategy
• Repeated postponement of plans
• Dramatic, unrealistic scenarios
• Resistance to specific details
• Emotional manipulation when challenged
• Zero tangible progress
• Promises change when confronted
Future faking is a manipulation tactic employed when a narcissist or toxic person promises to fulfil your desires in the future to get something they want in the present, which is often to get off scot-free, delay a commitment, obtain resources, or avoid a conflict.
They are not going to call.
Nor will they get the help they need to be the person you deserve.
You will be alone while you are waiting for them to plan that holiday for just the two of you.
They will make plans with you when you start to move on, just to keep you interested. Yes, they will cancel.
They will make the promise now – it benefits them to keep you on their treacherous hook.
It is easier to say, “I will call you,” than “I am not that into you.”
You are needed for their supply. Their self-esteem relies on you being there for them. Their supply can come from positive things like admiration, validation, and attention, and negative things, like power, control, and devaluing others.
They also use it to strengthen your trauma bond. Much like Stockholm Syndrome, the trauma bond prevents you from seeing that you are in an abusive relationship, causes you to stay in that toxic relationship even once you see it, and makes you long for them to come back when the relationship has ended.
This will continue far longer than it should because the victim so desperately wants the words to be true. When you are so attached to the outcome, you believe the lie to hold onto hope.
Imagine being incredibly hurt by the behaviour of someone you love. You share your feelings, and they say, “I am so sorry. I never want to hurt you. You deserve so much more. I promise I will do better in the future.”
To hear those words from someone you love, someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with, sounds like a dream — until you realise the number of times you have brought up this exact behaviour, heard a similar apology and promise to change, and nothing has changed.
To recognise future faking, you must be willing to notice when the person’s actions do not match their words, even when you want their words to be true.
When your emotions are running high, take a step back into the role of an observer and state some facts. You must be willing to see the truth, whether you like it or not.
• “He has said that he would put the work in to see if this relationship has potential. I have been waiting for a year.”
• “I have always wanted to go to Paris, and he has promised to take me there for years. He has offered to plan the trip several times in the past to end an argument. We still have not made the trip.”
Once you face the truth, you will feel more empowered to make a clear-headed decision about how to proceed.
