Cutting ties with a narcissist is comparable to going cold turkey from a heroin addiction. Your nervous system has become addicted to the peptides and chemicals released during the highs and lows of the abuse cycles. A trauma bond creates a physical and emotional addiction to your abuser.
Every time you feel rejected, hurt or neglected by the narcissist, the devaluing cycle is followed by a cycle of love bombing. Your low is interrupted by a high. You never learn to sit with your pain and metabolise it. Rather, the person who is causing your pain becomes the very person who relieves it.
When you go No Contact, you miss them and mourn the relationship. Because of the emotional abuse, the break from the narcissist feels extremely painful. In these low moments, your body will crave contact with the narcissist. It needs an βemotional hitβ to get the feel-good endorphins it has been programmed to receive. You have been trained that after pain comes βloveβ.
Pain equals love.
To fully heal and let go, you will have to learn how to hold and feel your pain. Understand that you are trauma-bonded to the narcissist. The source of your pain is also your source of love. The hardest part of going No Contact is the first three months. The intense craving and desire to go back and βfix thingsβ will be unbelievably strong. Your body needs to reset itself, and your nervous system needs to rest.
You need to be calm.
However, if you grew up with drama and trauma, then intense highs and lows are your norm. It will be harder for you to pull away from the narcissist. Instead of focusing on the narcissist, focus on healing your nervous system. Use tools like deep breathing, meditation, stretching, walking, journaling, and other soothing therapies.
Have you wanted to break the No Contact because you felt vulnerable or lonely? Perhaps you had wishful thinking that maybe the narcissist had changed? One year goes by, two years, five years, ten years or more, and you think to yourself, βMaybe they have changed. I am sure we could talk about the past with a sense of understanding and maturity. I can own my stuff, and they can own theirs.β
Unfortunately, when it comes to narcissism, the passage of time makes no difference. Unless they have actively sought out therapy and are consciously working on healing themselves, they will repeat the old cycle. They will use the opportunity to demean, devalue, hurt, manipulate and gaslight you.
