Sexual Orientation vs Sexual Preference

(Why They Are Not the Same Thing, Even Though People Keep Mixing Them Up)

I have been going through old drafts on my blog — and wow, there are so many half-finished thoughts in there that deserve sunlight. This one has been sitting quietly for months, and I want to get it out now, especially because some readers often mix up these terms.

And honestly? A lot of adults do too.

So here we go — the simple version, without the academic fog.

Sexual Orientation:

Who you are wired to be attracted to. Sexual orientation is about identity. It is about the gender(s) you are naturally attracted to.

Examples:

• heterosexual

• homosexual

• bisexual

• pansexual

• asexual

• queer

• etc.

Orientation is not a choice.

You do not pick it from a menu. You do not “grow into it.” You do not “try it out” like a hobby.

Orientation is shaped by biological factors — including things wired into your brain before you were even born. It is a core part of who you are, not something you consciously build.

It is the “who” of attraction.

Sexual Preference:

What you tend to be attracted to within your orientation. Preference is everything inside that orientation.

Preferences are shaped by:

• experiences growing up

• personal tastes

• exposure

• fantasy

• cultural influences

• specific traits you like or dislike

Examples of preferences:

• hair colour

• height

• ethnicity

• tattoos or no tattoos

• voice

• body type

• piercings

• clothing style

• gender expression

• personality traits

Preferences can change.

They are flexible, fluid, influenced by life, exposure, maturity, trauma, healing, and everything in between. It is the “what” of attraction.

Why the distinction matters

People sometimes use “sexual preference” as if someone chooses their orientation — which is not how it works.

Saying “gay is a preference” is not only wrong, but harmful, because it implies:

• you could choose differently if you wanted to

• it is not innate

• it can (or should) be changed

That thinking has historically led to:

• shame

• guilt

• erasure

• pressure

• conversion practices

So keeping the two terms separate is not about political correctness — it is about accuracy, safety, and respecting how identity actually works.

The short version:

• Orientation = who you are attracted to. Hardwired. Not a choice.

• Preference = the traits within that attraction. Flexible. Personal. Can change.