A dream of change?

I am sitting in the car heading for a planned work meeting which is coordinated with either my ex wife or my sister (I do exactly know which one of them it is) who has an appointment in the same area. We are talking about stupid nonsense, it feels nice and enlightening. Suddenly I realise I am driving to the wrong site at the wrong side of town. I pull over frustrated but then I start laughing, so does the person that is with me. We step out of the car to figure out what to do next. There is a sudden dramatic change. We have parked together with another car in some kind of dead end tunnel or cave like place. I think it is now my ex wife that is with me, not my sister (not sure how I could have mixed them up, but anyhow). There is a blonde/grey haired man with a gun and a distinguished face. I have seen him somewhere but cannot recall where – maybe in a movie? He is pointing his gun at us and this other guy from work – an obnoxious Scottish guy. Someone else from work (do not know how I know him and I do not know his name, but we do have the same employer) walks by with someone who might be his wife – seems they are out on an evening stroll, but I think it is daytime. The man with the gun who is threatening us flips the gun around as just to demonstrate it is nothing serious and explains we are just discussing the sale of the gun. The couple buys it and walks away out of the tunnel the way the car had arrived.

The man points is gun at my colleague and says he was not there, Wagner was not there. Although I know a Wagner, this is absolutely not him. Then he takes out a small pocket knife, unfolds it and slowly stabs my colleague in the chest – his right lung. Wagner hints more to what will happen to us and our family if it is ever disclosed who did this. He throws the knife on the ground and calls for an ambulance (or so he says) while my colleague comes over to me and just looks at me confused while holding his hand to the wound. He pulls his hand out and looks at it – it is covered with blood and blood cloths. He looks scared and asks me “what should I do now?”.

I freeze while he walks out of there and out of an opening in the tunnel/cave opposite the driveway in leading to some stairs down towards a street with lights. Unsure if it is still daytime or evening – time makes no sense here. I am just observing and listening to Wagner speak on the phone, loudly in what I assume to be polish. The fear of what he will do to me and my family is so strong.

My colleague and/or other people are screaming and shouting – it is all noise. I walk down to the street (or observe it from the stairs). My colleague is laying on the street with a big puddle if blood around him gasping for breath and saying he is so scared. My ex wife is sitting next to him holding his hand while I am paralyzed.

I wake up feeling hopeless, frightened and utterly ashamed of myself for always pushing the burden on her.

I do not want to start the day, yet I know there are those with a much harder start to the day than me.

I really have to CHANGE.