Parenting yourself through ADHD

Think of it as becoming the adult you wish had been there for you.

Of course you do not shame the child for forgetting or struggling; you guide, structure, and soothe. That is the mindset you carry into the rest.

The tone is: “Compassionate curiosity”. When you mess up, it is not, “what the hell is wrong with me?” but “what is not working for me?” ADHD is not a character flaw (or a superpower); it is your brain asking for a different kind of support.

“Self-acceptance” means letting guilt sit at the table without running the show. If you want to rest or say no, guilt will show up and whisper “you are selfish.” Do not fight it — nod, and still do what you need.

Fighting it is exhausting and pointless. Your ego was created to keep you safe. We know that a few dandelions are pretty and tell you that the winter is finally over, right? But too many crowd out the garden and we think of them as weeds. I think of Felicia (my loudest inner critic) like this. She is critical and harsh but she is not unrelenting, “Hurry up, you are running out of time!” and, “You are smarter than that and you know it.” If she is given too much space it is less productive and overwhelming, “No one cares what you think anyway. Just ignore them all until they stop talking to you.” and, “You know they only talk to you because you are useful, they do not actually care for you.”

A little bit of bright yellow weeds, can be sunshine.

“There is no reason to punish yourself…” is about emotional regulation. Pain is information. Listen long enough, and it turns from chaos into clarity.

Then the practical layer — space, sleep, food, movement, nature, creativity, mindfulness. These are not chores; they are sensory regulation. They help your nervous system trust that you are taking care of her.

1. Parenting yourself through ADHD.

Start by separating discipline from punishment. A good parent does not shame their kid for being distracted — they set up a world that works for that child. So, instead of “why can I not just focus?” try “what kind of structure would make it easier for me to focus?”

Practical move: build predictability, not pressure. Same wake time, same gentle cues for tasks. Talk to yourself in second person — “Hey, we are getting up now, I have got you.” It sounds silly, but it trains self-trust.

2. Compassionate curiosity.

This is about the tone of your self-inquiry. When something goes wrong — you missed a deadline, forgot a message — most ADHD brains jump to shame (“ugh, again? Why I am so lazy? I can never do anything right!”). Compassionate curiosity asks, “what was I feeling, needing, or avoiding?” instead.

It is detective work, not a trial. You look for patterns, not villains. The goal is not self-excuse, rather self-understanding — because insight creates the conditions for change, not guilt.

Try this: at the end of the day, pick one thing that did not go as planned and write, “I wonder if…” Then finish that sentence honestly. (“I wonder if I was just overwhelmed.” “I wonder if I needed a break but did not let myself take it.”)

3. Self-acceptance: tolerating guilt and anxiety.

I believe this to be the hardest part. You cannot logic guilt away — you have to coexistwith it. When you want to do something for yourself that disappoints someone else, guilt will come like a wave. Do not drown or fight it. Just notice: “Ah, this is guilt. My nervous system thinks I am in danger of losing someone’s approval.”

And then do the thing anyway, kindly. You do not need to explain yourself. That is how you teach your body you can survive discomfort without betraying yourself.