Who You Can Date Depends on Who You Are Being
(Finally, a dating system that makes sense. Ish.)
0. The Core Rule
Compatibility has nothing to do with:
β’ age
β’ height
β’ hobbies
β’ βvibesβ
β’ music taste
β’ attachment style quizzes
β’ the way their jawline looks in soft lighting
Compatibility = state alignment. You can only build a relationship with someone who lives in a world that is compatible with the one your state generates.
Your state is your entire dating ecosystem.
1. The 5 Core Dating States
Every dater falls primarily into one of these categories (even if they wobble between two). These are not moral judgments β just operating systems.
STATE A: The Secure Core (PC Energy)
βI know who I am, and connection is safe.β
Traits:
β’ grounded
β’ reliable
β’ present
β’ honest
β’ stable nervous system
β’ does not confuse drama with desire
Compatible with:
β’ A
β’ B (if B is stabilising)
β’ E (if E is rising)
Incompatible with:
β’ C
β’ D
Why? Secure people do not chase chaos.
STATE B: The Anxious Lover (The Seeker)
βI want love deeply but fear losing it.β
Traits:
β’ intense
β’ romantic
β’ sensitive
β’ reads too deeply into small shifts
β’ over-initiates
β’ loves big, crashes hard
Compatible with:
β’ A (best match β regulated, safe, present)
β’ E (if E is learning secure attachment)
Incompatible with:
β’ C (will feel abandoned)
β’ D (will feel crazy)
STATE C: The Avoidant Fortress (The Lone Wolf)
βConnection is a threat to my autonomy.β
Traits:
β’ hyper-independent
β’ dismissive
β’ inconsistent
β’ sends mixed signals
β’ uses logic to avoid vulnerability
Compatible with:
β’ A (can slowly soften)
β’ E (if E has boundaries)
Incompatible with:
β’ B (B becomes starved)
β’ D (they become a cold war)
STATE D: The Chaotic Reactor (Old-State NPC Energy)
βYou are responsible for my emotional weather.β
Traits:
β’ unregulated
β’ triggered easily
β’ cycles of closeness and distance
β’ blames partner
β’ trauma bonds instead of bonds
Compatible with:
β’ β¦nobody romantically
This state is not relationship-ready.
Needs:
β’ healing
β’ time
β’ stability
β’ therapy
β’ boundaries
β’ consistency
Dating in this state equals heartbreak for both parties.
STATE E: The Transitioner (Limbo State)
βI am not who I was, but I am not yet who I am becoming.β
Traits:
β’ growing
β’ shedding old beliefs
β’ sometimes inconsistent
β’ sometimes self-aware
β’ learning new emotional skills
Compatible with:
β’ A (stability)
β’ B (shared vulnerability)
β’ C (if both do the work)
Incompatible with:
β’ D (too destabilising)
β’ E (if both are wobbly)
2. Compatibility Map (Quick Chart)
Translation:
β’ β = compatible
β’ X = incompatible
β’ β/X = depends on the work
3. Why You Keep Picking the Wrong People
You date from your state, not your wishes.
If you are in:
β’ B β you attract avoidants (C) who feel like home
β’ C β you attract anxious (B) because they do all the emotional lifting
β’ D β you attract chaos β more chaos
β’ E β you attract a mix (mirror of your uncertainty)
You only attract A when you become A.
4. How to Know Someoneβs State in 10 Minutes
Ask yourself:
βWhat happens to my nervous system around them?β
If you become:
β’ calmer β they are A or E
β’ smaller β they are C
β’ chaotic β they are D
β’ obsessed β they are trauma-pattern-aligned (old state)
β’ regulated β they are compatible with your future self
Your body tells you. Not your libido, loneliness or hope.
5. How to Upgrade Your Dating Pool
Upgrade your state.
When you shift states:
β’ C stops attracting you
β’ B stops overwhelming you
β’ D disappears from your timeline entirely
β’ A starts feeling like βof courseβ instead of βtoo good to be trueβ
Your state is your filter. If you want better people, become the version of you who expects them.
6. Ultimate Rule:
You cannot date above your state; however, you can always level up your state.
Dating becomes easy, clean, and drama-free the moment you stop matching your past and start aligning your chosen identity.
