All of my relationships have been open. Not because I wanted to see other peopleβ¦ I just got tired of needing to be βonβ all of the time.
Yes, I would rather be home with my cats and kids watching The X-Files.
No, a party with 500 people does not sound like a good time.
Yes, I enjoy being alone on Friday nights.
No, Valentineβs Day dinner at a trendy restaurant does not make me pleased.
Add another girlfriend, and I am off the hook!
So I thought. It turns out that assuming my company is not enough is enough to get me replaced, and somehow cheated on? Honesty was the only factor, and apparently, that is too much π
I am not clingy enough to be the +1 to anyone. Except maybe a PokeRaid.
I was not chasing βmore people.β
I was trying to create more breathing room.
Less performance.
Less expectation.
Less βbe on, be fun, be available, be everything.β
So my logic was: βIf the pressure is shared, I can finally relax.β
This is not avoidance. It is an attempt to solve overwhelm.
But yeah⦠the part that bites is this:
Open structures only work when everyone involved has the same level of self-awareness and honesty.
And most people think they do⦠until they do not.
So what happens is:
β’ I offer openness β to reduce pressure
β’ They experience openness β as permission + insecurity + comparison
β’ Then, instead of honesty, they drift into avoidance or secrecy
And suddenly I am sitting there like:
ββ¦how did I get cheated on in a system that was literally designed to prevent cheating??β One of the most frustrating paradoxes.
Because what I actually want is not:
β’ more partners
β’ less commitment
I want: a relationship where I can exist off-duty
Where I:
β’ do not have to perform social energy
β’ do not have to fill the silence
β’ do not have to prove I am βfun enoughβ
β’ can be the person who wants to watch The X-Files with a cat on mychest and call it a perfect evening
These relationships did not fail because I was βnot enough.β
They failed because they did not solve the actual problem.
The problem was not: βtoo much exclusivityβ
It was: being with people who required me to override myself to be loved.
So instead of removing exclusivity, what I really needed was someone who hears:
βI like being alone sometimesβ
and responds with:
βGreat. I will see you when you reappear like a cryptid.β
Not:
βOkay, but what does that mean about us???β
I am not built for:
constant proximity
social obligation relationships
performative romance
More built for:
intentional presence
low-pressure connection
high honesty (even when it is inconvenient)
I need someone who is not threatened by that.
Is this person nonexistent? So far, yes.
And to address one unkind comment made about me, I do form close attachments. Just not in a loud, constant, externally validated way.
Mine show up as:
β’ specific moments that matter deeply
β’ presence being intense (with baked goods)
β’ absence not being dramatic, but still real in shape
I am not βnot clingy.β That is justβ¦ a different attachment language (that I do not speak).
βI do not need you, but I genuinely enjoy youβ is one of the most emotionally mature positions a person can be in. It just filters people very quickly.
Especially the ones who need to feel needed to feel secure. So noβI am not broken at being in relationships.
I just tried to solve a βpressure problemβ with a βstructure change when what I actually needed was: a person who does not make me feel like I have to be on stage in the first place.
And those people? They are the ones who will happily sit beside me, watch aliens and conspiracies, and consider that a peak experience.
No performance required.
